Beached Whale
I was walking down the hall today and a coworker, someone with whom I feel I have a solid working relationship and whom I respect at a professional level said to me, completely unsolicited
"I'm sorry to say, but you look like a beached whale".
I took a second or so to compose myself and think about my response and decided simply to go with "You really should have kept that thought to yourself".
He laughed what I interpreted as a bit of a nervous laugh - the kind of laugh you laugh when you realize that yup in fact you said something really dumb and would have been better off keeping your mouth closed - and proceeded to try and explain it away with "it's just that you have a very distinct walk when you're coming down the hall".
I chose not to say anything in response, and proceeded to walk down the hall, just as I had been, and go and get my lunch.
I then came back to my office with my lunch, closed my door and blinds, and cried. I'm only human.
After I had a chance to clear my system of my emotional response to this little encounter and eat my lunch (which was quite difficult to make myself do after hearing something like that), I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to do about it.
The company I work for, at the executive level, talks internally and externally about our commitment to diversity and inclusion and anti-harassment. All employees are required to attend diversity and anti-harassment training. The values that our executive leadership team have identified for the company support a diverse and inclusive work environment free of harrassment. As a manager at this company responsible for managing employees and providing leadership, I am held to a high standard for my own conduct, and expected to enforce diversity and anti-harassment policy.
And so I was faced with the following choices
1) Do nothing. Realize this person didn't really mean to be hurtful or disrespectful - he just didn't think before he spoke.
2) File a complaint with his manager or HR. Having to deal with the repercussions of that will certainly make him think before he speaks again in the future
3) Go talk to the person and let the person know that the comment was hurtful, disrespectful, and inappropriate even if that was not the intent and go from there.
#1 I didn't really see as an option. Not for me. I don't want or expect my employees to feel that they should just have to accept such comments because it wasn't intended to be hurtful or malicious so why should I think it's ok for someone to say something like that to me?
#2 seemed a bit too dramatic given that I did know the person well enough to know that no ill will was intended - it was just stupidity and a case of not thinking before speaking. If it wasn't the first time then I might feel different and take more formal action. But it was, and so I opted for #3.
After taking the time to think through what I wanted to say, I went down to his office, knocked on his door and asked for a minute of his time. I then closed the door and told him that although I was sure he didn't intend for it to be, the comment he made earlier in the hallway was hurtful, disrespectful and inappropriate. I didn't appreciate it and I felt that it was important that he understood how it made me feel. He apologized and said he realized it was inappropriate and had been meaning to come down to my office to apologize for the remark. I thanked him for his apology and left his office.
One of the earliest moral / value lessons that I recall really comprehending and internalizing, and that I remember to this day, came from the Walt Disney movie "Bambi". I saw it in the movie theater when I was really little. It's the part of the movie when Bambi's just learning to walk and talk and is all clumsy and making mistakes and calling things by their wrong names, and some of the little furry forest friends are kind of making fun of him. Until Thumper pipes up and says "My momma always told me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".
It's not that hard.