Listen to your instincts, and to what your toddler is and is not saying

Bobbin started the "Toddler 2" classroom about 3 weeks ago. I expected a return of the tearful goodbyes in the morning as she adjusted to her new class and teachers. And for the first week, that was pretty much what happened. I had done what we could to prep her - we talked all about how she was such a big girl that soon she'd be going to the big kids classroom with all of her friends (who thankfully were moving up at the same time as she was for the most part). We talked about the new teachers in the classroom, both of whom she had met previously at school during her regular teacher's breaks or lunch, and one of whom has babysat a couple of times at our place. We even made regular visits to her new classroom in the morning before school and in the afternoon on the way home so she would know what it looked like, and see all the toys and pictures and tables and chairs and see it as a familiar environment.

Overall the first week went fairly smoothly. There were tearful goodbyes as I expected but I would always send the administrator back on my way out to confirm she was doing ok, and she was always fine within 5 minutes of my having left her. All goodness.

And then a couple weeks ago, things took a turn for the worst. Bobbin started having trouble sleeping. She'd fall to sleep fine, but invariably would wake up in the middle of the night very upset, sometimes disoriented, and most times not wanting to be in her bed anymore. That first week she also came down with an ear infection, and we started her on antibiotics and chalked up the night sleeping to pain & discomfort. And for the most part it may have been; we'll never know for sure.

But shortly after getting the ear infection diagnosis, Bobbin started having trouble in the mornings as well. Instead of being her usual cheerful self, when I'd walk into the room in the morning she'd immediately start crying and throwing herself around in her bed and kicking at her crib. She'd sob, and refused to be picked up or comforted. And when I did eventually get her out of her crib, or managed to get her to stop crying long enough to tell me what was wrong, she would envariably respond "No school, mommy. No school. Bobbin no go school. Stay home. Stay home". It's not totally uncommon for her to protest going to school on Monday mornings, but it's never been with this much energy. Usually I explain how it's a week day which means Bobbin goes to school and Mommy and Daddy go to work, and then tell her she gets to decide what's for dinner (Mondays are typically Bobbin's menu :-)) and she's all fine. This was different.

I took her back in for another checkup because her restlessness at night had resumed as well, and sure enough the doctor found that the ear infection was still raging, and put her on more antibiotics. We figured much of the night time troubles could be due to the discomfort she felt in her ear while lying down. And the fact that she was going on week 3 of antibiotics may have also explained the new complaint in the mornings of her feeling "tummy sick".

All the same, I decided to spend a bit more time checking out the new classroom situation, because the fact that she was still protesting school on a daily basis and still waking up anxious and fragile was just completely out of character for our little sunshine.

So end of last week and all this week I've been taking her in to school and staying for longer periods of time. At first I stayed for the first 30 minutes, which would typically involve Bobbin and I sitting at the table in her new classroom eating yogurt. During this time, her primary teacher Miss M would typically go through and change each kid's diaper one by one, start their daily report, and tend to other administrative type stuff. Miss M has been at the school for about 3 months. She spent some time in Toddler 1 initially which is how Bobbin knew her. She's fairly reserved by nature but she seemed kind with the kids if a little distant. Miss B has been at the school for several years. She was the original Toddler 2 teacher before taking a leave of absence. Since her return she's been put back in Toddler 2 to help, and this week she's actually been out of toddler 2 again and covering preschool while that regular teacher is on vacation. All of this I learned by being in the classroom and observing no Miss B, despite the fact that I had been promised she'd be in the class. And by watching Miss M's interaction with the kids.

After the first few days of my 30-minute sessions I was starting to get a little curious about a couple of things. When I asked Miss M how Bobbin did during the first few days, the response I got back was "She did ok". Not to sound like the biased mother that I know I am, but "did ok" is not actually a term I've ever heard to describe Bobbin's temperment and behaviour at school. "Smart", "Quick", "Quiet observer", "happy", "curious", "cooperative", "kind" and "caring" are all words I heard on a daily basis in Toddler 1. But I tried to keep an open mind and considered that she didn't have a lot of experience with Bobbin and vice versa, and her entire class was new, and so "ok" probably was an accurate assessment. All the same, I stopped by the administrator's office and asked if for the first couple of weeks they could instruct the teachers to be a little more verbose on the daily reports and in person regarding how Bobbin (and the other kids for that matter) was adjusting to the new class and interacting with her classmates and teachers. They promised they would work with Miss M in particular.

A few days ago, after not seeing much more of a change in either Bobbin's behaviour or the first 30 minutes of the school routine, I decided to stick around a little longer. I rearranged my schedule and spent a full hour and a half in the morning with Bobbin in her classroom. It was an eye opening experience.

There were several things wrong upon our immediate arrival.

Bobbin was the 10th child in the classroom. The state required teacher:student ratio for Toddler 2 is 1:7. Miss M was the only teacher in the class. And the other 9 kids were running around chaotically, climbing on tables, taking toys away from one another, and generally behaving like you would expect a bunch of unsupervised 2-year-olds to behave. Miss M was rotating through the kids one by one changing their diapers. She was a diaper changing machine. Every once in a while she'd call out "Feet on the floor please" in a firm but kindly voice from the diaper changing table, which would usually go unacknowledged by the toddlers who were in the process of scaling the bookcase or table or stack of chairs.

I sat Bobbin down and got her started with her yogurts, and waited and watched; maybe several kids arrived at once, and the administrator was already tracking down someone to assist in the classroom. Maybe Miss B had called in sick, and htey were having to scramble to find a backup. Maybe they just haven't done their hourly rounds yet to count the kids in each classroom. I waited and watched.

Miss M continued to change diapers, and stand in the corner filling out the papers. For the amount of time she spent with that pen and clipboard I was expecting a detailed novella capturing every nuance of Bobbin's day (I discovered at the end of day that was absolutely not the case). But still, the only interaction I was observing between teacher and child was diaper changing. It was going on an hour, and there had been no attempt to rally the kids together for story time, or singing, or colouring, or dancing. There was no music playing. There was nothing. And all the kids had been changed at least once. And there was still only 1 teacher and 10 toddlers. And me.

Bobbin finished her first yogurt and asked me to put her blankie in her cubby, and that's when I realized she didn't have a cubby anymore. I asked Miss M and she said they took it back to Toddler 1. So I offered to go get it and that's when she told me that they took it away for good, and Bobbin didn't have a cubby anymore.

Ok... so it's a little cardboard box with her name on it, but it's a very precious thing to a 2-year-old. It's HER cubby. It's where she keeps blankie, and whatever special toy she brought with her that day. It has HER stuff in it. HER diapers. HER suncream. It's hers to touch and put things in and take things out of at the beginning and end of the day. She knows where it is, because it's in the same spot every morning. It's a symbol of her permanence in that classroom and now it was gone. Her diapers were stacked haphazardly in the hole where the box had been, and there was no room for her blankie, let alone her special books or toys that she brings on occasion.

I told Bobbin I'd be right back, and she settled down happily with her second yogurt. I searched for the administrator and came up empty. I found Miss B in the Preschool classroom, and made a mental note. I finally found one of the assistant administrators and said "I'm a little bit annoyed and I hope you can help me". That got her attention. "There are 10 kids in Toddler 2 and only 1 teacher". She promised to rectify that situation immediately. "And it's not a huge deal, but Bobbin's cubby was taken away, and I'm told she doesn't get a new one. I'd like Bobbin to have a cubby in the Toddler 2 classroom". She promised she would rectify that as well.

I was back in the class within 5 minutes, and I heard before I saw Bobbin screaming and crying over at her little table, clutching her container of yogurt and spoon to her chest, tears rolling down her little red cheeks. Clustered around her were 4 other toddlers, all trying to stick their hands in her yogurt, or take away her spoon. Two year olds are still grappling with the concept that just because something is within their line of vision, doesn't mean it belongs to them and they can take it. It's a hard concept to learn. I know some adults who still haven't mastered it. But there had been, and was not about to be, any intervention on the part of the teacher, who was standing with her back to the whole activity, rotely changing yet another toddler's diaper. If there isn't someone with authority there to firmly (but gently) set boundaries, how are these kids ever going to learn some of these lessons?

I stepped in and scattered the kids, pointing them towards books and blocks, and told Bobbin it was her yogurt and if anyone tried to take it she should say "Stop" or "this is my yogurt and my space" and if that didn't work to ask the teacher for "help please Miss M" in a loud voice. Bobbin settled down, and shortly thereafter a 2nd teacher (Miss S, who usually is in Toddler 1 and so knows Bobbin very well) finally arrived. At this point I was an hour and a half into my little observation session and unfortunately had to start getting ready to work. I got Bobbin settled with Miss S, but it was still a very tearful and panicked goodbye, and I left.

After calming down sufficiently, I called Tim and told him what I had experienced. Tim had the day off, so I asked him to go back to the school and spy for me before they started getting into lunch and nap time. I wanted to know if the rest of the morning was as chaotic as the beginning, and whether or not miss M was capable of tearing herself away from diaper changing duties long enough to interact with the kids in a more interesting and fun way. Songs, dancing, colouring, going outside... anything other than the repeated diaper changing and paper-filling-out that I watched her do for that first hour and a half.

Tim headed out on his mission and I went to a meeting. I was relieved to get a phone call an hour later from Tim, who told me that Miss B was back in the classroom, and they were engaged in some kind of group dancing/singing thing, and Bobbin appeared to be happy.

All the same, at lunch time I took another trip back to school to catch up with the administrator and tell her what I saw and how I felt it explained Bobbin's behaviour at home. She listened well, and promised change, starting with Miss B back in the class full time, finding another sub for Pre-K, and talking with Miss M about the need to be more engaging with the teachers as well as evaluating whether or not that was the right class for her. I left cautiously optimistic.

When I picked Bobbin up from school she seemed happier. But the next morning saw more of the same protests, anxiety, etc. However it stopped as soon as I reassured her that "Miss B is going to be in your classroom all day with you today. She's going to sing and read stories and play and dance. You're going to have so much fun!". She starting seeming as cautiously optimistic as I was feeling. She started talking about "Miss B" and the "New Classroom", which is not a subject she's touched on in the last two weeks except to say "No go school". Ok...

This morning we arrived at 8:30. Miss M greated us in a more friendly, outgoing manner than previously. She even smiled. She still seemed shy and reserved, but I really got a sense she was making an effort. Miss B arrived minutes after we got there. And as soon as she entered, Bobbin's entire temperment relaxed. You could almost feel the tension slip away. Miss B immediately started engaging with each of the kids one by one, and brought out story books, and started talking about "Circle Time". Bobbin gobbled down her yogurt for fear of missing out. When Miss B started herding the kids towards the carpet for Circle Time and stories, I decided to try and make my exit. I said goodbye to Bobbin and asked her to help Miss B with Circle Time and said I'd be back at 5:15 to get her. I blew her a kiss and she watched me leave. But there were no tears. And before I was gone she had turned around and followed Miss B to the carpet for circle time.

When I went to pick Bobbin up from school she was energetic and happy. Her old self, so to speak. I asked her what she did today and she said "Circle Time!" and "Miss B weed books". She was goofy and smiling and running around.

When we got home, Bobbin got out her toy caterpiller and immediately set about playing pretend. Bobbin pulled her little caterpiller over to where I was sitting and said "Robyn go work. Bye bye caterpiller. Circle Time! Love you" and then I said "Ok everyone, it's Circle Time! Lets sing a song" and would proceed to belt out "If you're happy and you know it" or some other tune. And in the middle of the song she would reappear from behind the lawn chair that was pretending to be "work" and say "Robyn here! Hi caterpiller" and come over and give the caterpiller and me a big happy hug and kiss, and she'd ask "Circle time? Yah? Good day? Yah?" and then we'd start all over again.

I'm still cautiously optimistic. But I do believe at least for the moment, the school issue is identified and hopefully resolved or at least well on its way to being resolved. I intend to follow up daily with the administrator to know what they're doing to coach Miss M, and I intend to continue spending half an hour a morning there, and pop in for surprise visits during lunch. But I do believe that what Bobbin had been trying to tell us all along was "School Sucks, mom and Dad. It's not fun anymore. I don't like it. I'm not happy there. The teacher isn't fun, and the kids aren't nice and no one does anything about it and don't make me go anymore".

Yeah - having recurring ear infections probably didn't help. And neither did the 100F heat wave this week. And I'm sure that having a break for July 4th last week caused some interruption in the whole adjustment period as well. And some of it was bound to occur even if Miss M was the most engaging and fun teacher in the world; it was a new classroom; it was change. But there was definitely a lot more contributing as well. And hopefully we've fixed it. It'll probably be another week before Bobbin really trusts that it is permanent (and before I do too, for that matter), but I think we figured it out. My fingers are crossed.

Oh - and Bobbin has a new cubby. It was one of the first things Miss B did when she was reassigned to Toddler 2. The very first thing was Circle Time :-).

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