Bringing Up Bobbin

Out with the old; in with the not-as-old

Tomorrow I officially start my holiday vacation. I don't go back to work until January 7th, 2008. I love that it's in 2008. Makes it seem even further away than it really is :-)

This time last year I was about 2 weeks into a medical leave of absence to deal with depression. Whether it was still officially postpartum depression at that point, or just your plain ol' garden variety depression, not sure. I was seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, my doctor had doubled the strength of my antidepressants and I was relying on a prescription sleep aid every night to get a decent amount of shuteye.

This time last year I was trying desperately to get back into an exercise regimen that didn't eat into my Bobbin-time or Tim-time or work-time or sleep-time or vegetating time and failing miserably at it. So I was even more down.

This time last year we were just getting our power back after 8 or so days (maybe it was 7. It felt like 14) of being without it in the aftermath of the big "Wind Storm of 2006". And my sister was about to arrive. Or maybe she had just arrived. So I was stressed.

This time last year Bobbin was getting over a really bad bout of the stomach flu. Its onset coincided with us being in the dark after the windstorm and relying on a generator to supply the power we needed to sustain a livable temperature and turn on a couple of lights. And so this time last year I was fearing that Bobbin's stomach flu was actually a case of carbon monoxide poisoning like we had been hearing about so much in the news. So I was even more stressed out.

This time last year, I hadn't even started Christmas shopping for anyone in our immediate or extended family except for my parents because they live so far away and I wanted to be sure their gifts arrived on time. So I was panicked.

This time last year at work I was managing a team of 8 full time employees and a hand full of agency temps. And I thought that was more than enough to keep me challenged and stressed for the rest of my life.

So... what about the present?

I am no longer seeing a therapist. I've been completely off my antidepressants for 3 weeks now. I no longer take prescription sleep aids to fall asleep, but I do depend on OTC or naturopathic sleep aids on a nightly basis. Still, I consider that a step in the right direction. I remember my dreams in the morning, which is kinda cool and not something you think about until you stopped remembering them and then start again. And being off Zoloft is like having a fog lifted from my brain and my senses. My sense of humour is slowly returning. Drole witty sarcasm as opposed to biting and hurtful witty sarcasm is returning to my repertoire. I can take a kindhearted jab from someone who loves me with a little more tolerance and less self-doubt. Things look and sound clearer and crisper. It could all be psychological. Wait... of course it is. We're talking about the brain, afterall.

I am on legitimate vacation right now, as opposed to a medical leave of absence. Which means that I'm getting paid my full salary to not think about work and focus on me as opposed to just 80% of it :-) Seems to me that I'm in a better state of mental health to be just getting 80% of my salary whereas last year I could really have used that additional 20% that I couldn't have. This is America, afterall. I was lucky to be getting any salary and to have a job to come back to at the end of it. Still... the illogic and irony that I only get my full salary when I least need it does not escape me.

I got an elliptical trainer and an exercise bike for my birthday and I'm averaging every other day so far... granted, that was only 6 days ago, but that means I've worked out 3 times in less than a week, so mathematically I'm doing about 10,000% better than this time last year, where my exercise consisted of crawling out from under the covers to the bathroom when I had to pee. I weigh exactly 25 lbs more now than I did this time last year, but I think I'm happier not being depressed than I am weighing less. Which is odd, because my weight definitely has a significant impact on my state of mind and self image. HOWEVER, I also feel the need to say that I weigh 3 lbs LESS than I did 6 days ago, which means my increase in exercise is having the desired effect, and things are moving in the right direction.

Not only am I exercising, but I actually have a plan to ensure I still get my necessary bobbin-time and tim-time and tv-vegging time and work-time in. Bobbin and I get our time from 5:30 - 8:00. I even get to cuddle with her in the big chair before I "head off to bed" and Tim takes over. 8pm-9pm I work out downstairs. Tim's promised me that no matter how tired he is, he won't go to bed before 9:30 so that from 9pm on, I get some quality Tim-time in too. And we've been hiring the babysitter more frequently this year (although still not as frequently as we should :-)).

We were thankfully not impacted by the heavy rain and wind storms that have swept the region. Many others are not so lucky. We haven't lost our power in a long time (knock on wood), our basement is dry as a bone, and although our wetlands are now more wet than land, we've not suffered any property or material damage.

My sister visited at the beginning of December, which was way cool, although not NEARLY long enough :-) But I was just glad that she had the window of opportunity and chose to use it to come and spend time with us! I miss her still. At the same time, as much as I have loved Christmases at my parents' house, or having family come visit us I must say that I am looking forward to a christmas eve that consists of just the 3 of us. NOTE TO SARAH, MIKE, MOM AND DAD: YOU STILL BETTER BE PLANNING TO GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS (Sarah & Mike, you get a get-out-of-christmas-free pass seeing as how you have two families you need to make time for and next year may not be our turn to monopolize you :-) but Mom, and Dad, I'm holding you to your plans to come out here. we're building you a room, afterall! No pressure there :-))

Some things, however, stay the same.

Bobbin is actually just getting over a bout with the stomach flu just as she was this time last year. However this time I know it isn't carbon monoxide poisoning, so it isn't quite as stressful. And her body seems to be shaking these things off faster now (testament to all of the doctors and parents that told me that 2 is the magic age when their immune system is pretty well established). And now it's not an automatic that Tim and I will come down with whatever she has; our immune systems have been well fortified too as a result of the last two years, it would seem.

I've got Tim's presents finished (this time last year I hadn't even started him and was adding that to the list of reasons why I was a completely useless human being not to mention wife), Bobbin's too. My parents' gift is going to be late because... well... because I'm actually making it myself and the only quality time I have to work on it is after Bobbin and Tim go to bed and when I'm on vacation. Sorry Mom & Dad! But I thought you'd appreciate the fact that it's of my own making, not something I bought, and I know when you do get it (end of Jan) you'll really really love it. I have my list made for the rest of the family (Yes, I even know what Tim & I are giving you, Margaret, despite the fact you refused to give me a list on our phone call a couple of hours ago. You parents; you are ALL alike. The conversation was revealing enough though; I think you'll enjoy what Tim and I decided on for you :-) and I know exactly where to get everything so I'm not stressed at all.

On the work front, I now have 25 full time employees spread across 3 US locations and 3 European countries, 5 open positions I'm recruiting for one of which is in Asia, and about 10 vendors. I laugh when I think I was stressed about work this time last year. HAH. Let's just say, my vacation couldn't have started at a better time. That said, I do love my work. I still would love winning the big lottery better, but I'm pretty darn happy doing what I'm doing, and I plan to keep doing it for a long time to come.

So... things change, things end, things begin, and things stay the same except for minor twists. All in all, it's been a pretty full year. Lots of stresses, frustrations, happy times, sick times. I expect this next one to be full in different ways but still full of lots of stresses, frustrations, happy times, sick times

As for my personal hopes and goals for this next year, I hope (in random order)

- that Bobbin enjoys an even healthier year next year

- that I can maintain my exercise regimen and the balance between me-time, bobbin-time, tim-time and family-time that I seem to be starting to finally strike

- that I can continue to cope even better with life's stresses & surprises when they happen

- that I lose 50 lbs (via the healthy way - exercise and smart eating :-))

- that I can ditch my OTC sleep aids finally and get back to a med-free daily life

- that Mom, Dad, Sarah, and Mike come for a nice long visit over the Christmas holidays next year.

- that I get promoted at work (if I don't then I want to be clearly on track for one next year)

- that we win the big lottery :-)

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