I thought I was past this; is this my fate?
Insomnia. Rarely had it pre-pregnancy. Lots of stuff was different then. I exercised for about 2 hours a day every day - got the stress out and made me tired. I ate big lunches and tiny (if at all) dinners. Didn't go to bed completely full.
When I took my time off a couple of years ago the doctor prescribed a sleeping aid. Ambien. It worked GREAT. Probably too well. After weaning myself off it several refills later, I had a short bout of insomnia and then was able to get back to sleep. Slowly though, as months past, I have returned to the full-blown inability to fall asleep again. I long for that sleep aid I gave up. But it pisses me off that I can't get to sleep any other way.
I have some vacation coming up soon; maybe I'll use it to kick start me back into some good habits. Like eating better and exercising daily. I usually attempt this with any vacation with marginal success. Most of the time I end up whittling away my vacation with household chores. Day 1: The 6 piles of laundry I've been letting build up. Day 2: Wash the floors so I don't stick to them; scrape off the 3 inches of gunk that have accumulated since my last vacation and floor washing a year ago. Day 3: clean out the closet. Day 4: my god, it's almost over - better get out and do some kind of exercise. Day 5: sleep in because I haven't crossed that off my vacation list yet and maybe go to the hair salon and get those greys coloured. Then it's Saturday which doesn't change regardless of whether I've been on vacation the previous week or not. And Sunday is spent getting ready to get back into the grind.
I've been having wacky, and very telling dreams lately too. Like last night - I dreamed that Tim had left a surprise in the form of a plane ticket to visit my parents. The note with the ticket said that Tim would meet me there in a few days. I got so excited I jumped in the car right away still wearing my towel from having just showered and my bathrobe to cover the towel. Feet were bare. Got to the airport to discover I actually had 5 or 6 hours to kill before the flight but was glad just to be free so decided to go shopping and have a nice lunch. Looked down and noticed I was actually not dressed and determined I'd better fix that. Found myself in one of those airport souvenir shops that sell over sized sweatshirts and boxers with an emblem of whatever the town you're in is famous for. I picked out some pink and yellow fleece lined with terrycloth. Fashionable. Found some flip flops to match. As I was walking up to the checkout counter I passed through the children's section and that made me realize I didn't have Bobbin with me. I panicked. Was I supposed to take her with me or was Tim going to bring her? What if I was supposed to pick her up at daycare and take her with me? What if I wasn't actually getting a 2-day head start ahead of Tim and Bobbin? And why was I feeling angst about it? Did the fact that I assumed I would be traveling on my own that mean I don't love my daughter enough? I searched my pockets for my cell phone to try and call Tim and clear up my confusion and realized I had left it at home. I glanced at the clock and I had just enough time to drive home, get dressed, pick up Bobbin, and get back to the airport before the plane left. I was running madly through the airport trying to find the entrance to the parking garage when I woke up.
I have about 6 interpretations of this dream, but it all comes back down to me feeling stressed and guilty. The endless cycle - I get stressed; I act stressed; I regret acting stressed because invariably I'm acting stressed with people I love; I feel guilty for succumbing to stressed behaviour and stressing out my loved ones in the process; I feel inadequate for feeling guilty and for not having better management of my stress; I feel stressed about being inadequate. And so on.
It's 1am. I promised Bobbin we'd go to the parade with Miss E in the morning. We're even going to take the bus. Bobbin's never been on a bus so she'll be pretty excited. Tim is working the fireworks show but we'll pop by to see him in the afternoon. We're going to have fun. If I can find a way to get a bit of shut eye so I'm not tired in the morning. Because being tired makes me... stressed.
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