I'm not one, am I?
I can't help but second guess myself, after seeing an episode of Dr. Phil (or was it Oprah?) recently about Helicopter Moms. This is the letter I recently wrote to our daycare director. I don't think it's over the top. But I still wonder if I'm over protective or if they'll read this and think I'm just another nutjob Mom trying to protect her daughter from everyday life.
To: The Director and Management StaffMy daughter has been in the care of this daycare for almost 3 years and overall I have been very happy with her experience and with the quality of care and level of support she is receiving here. The teachers are skilled, professional, caring, and clearly have my daughter’s best interests at heart. She has formed great bonds of trust, respect, and love with each of her primary teachers throughout these years and I have been overall very satisfied and confident with my choice to entrust her daytime care to the staff at this location. The fact that many of the teachers have been on the staff for multiple years also speaks to the fact that the management clearly values the teachers and provides a supportive environment for them in which they can and want to do their best work. Prior to [Director's Name] leave of absence I felt well informed about what was happening in the school, and was pleased that when I did on occasion raise concerns or issues, that she understood them and took swift and appropriate action and always followed back up with me. I felt that this level of information and diligence was well maintained by [Acting Director] in the initial weeks after [Director's] absence. However I have become increasingly concerned over the last several weeks on the following points and although I have voiced my concerns verbally on several occasions, I’ve not seen any real indications of sustained change or commitment to change and thus feel the need to formally communicate my concerns via this letter.
My concerns:
1) The lack of consistency in the physical classroom and teacher that my daughter begins her day with. During the month of August , at least twice a week, we would arrive at school at 8:30am expecting to be able to go to the Toddler class until Preschool opened only to be told upon arrival that the regular Toddler class teacher was taking one of the older classes that morning due to lack of students in the Preschool class. That combined with the natural and expected occasional absences of teachers due to doctor appointments, scheduled vacations, or sick days where I understand and respect the fact that accommodations have to be made and routines temporarily changed to cover, meant a significant amount of inconsistency in my daughter’s morning routine. This manifested itself in my daughter’s behavior in the form of increasingly anxiety going to bed at night and in the morning when getting ready for school because she was not sure which teacher or class she was going to end up in. Just this morning, we arrived at 8:30am to find that none the age-appropriate classes were open and that all of the children in the daycare at that time (all age groups) were divided between two classes. As I stood in the hall with my daughter trying to determine where she was to go, there was confusion and delay as the teachers tried to determine whether or not to open the age-appropriate classrooms and how to divide up the children and who would go to each class. I appreciate that this school is a business that, like any other, is concerned about keeping costs low and consolidating where possible to save money but the lack of consistency especially for the younger age groups and especially during a time of transition, is extremely destabilizing and disruptive and ultimately the cost is borne out by the child who no longer has a sense of safety and predictability in routine.
2) The lack of advanced notice – both verbal and written - regarding permanent or semi-permanent changes that are being made to the teacher and physical classroom in which my daughter will begin her day. In August a decision was apparently made by Management that the larger back classroom would become the EPreschool classroom and that [Teacher] would be the Preschool classroom teacher from 8:30am until the regular teacher arrived. I was not informed of this change until the day before it occurred, and that was only after I had initiated the conversation, and even then I was not given a firm timeframe as to when the change would occur, nor was I given a clear answer as to whether it was a permanent or semi-permanent change. Advance notice of such changes enables me to prepare my daughter in advance so that she knows what to expect when she arrives at school.
3) The lack of formal written notification regarding staff changes and new staff introductions. In recent weeks I’ve perceived a change in the staff administration and management. I am not sure whether there has in fact been a change in administration and management but there have been several indications that something is different. It is unclear to me whether [Staff Member] is now part of the administrative staff and what her role is; it is not clear who is responsible for teacher staffing decisions and teacher scheduling; it is not clear whether [Acting Director's] role has changed and if so what her current responsibilities are and what her hours of availability are. It is also not clear whether [Director's] leave of absence is extended and whether she will be returning or whether her responsibilities are being permanently reassigned to someone else. It is not clear who I should voice complaints or concerns to, and who will follow up on them when I do voice them.
4) The lack of clear, published, and firmly committed opening time for the Preschool classes. I have asked multiple times for a firmly committed opening time for class, and every time I’m told that the start time is “usually around 8:30am”. I need to be able to count on a consistent start time for my daughter’s class opening in order to be able to appropriately plan my work schedule, and in order for my daughter to have a consistent, predictable, reliable routine and schedule. “Usually around 8:30am unless something comes up” is not a firm commitment.
5) More proactive sharing of information during transition from one classroom to the next. When my daughter reached the age where she could begin transitioning to the Preschool class, I did receive a written letter informing me of her readiness and of the target transition start date. But there was no additional information provided about the following basics:
a. The name of the teacher(s) who would be in charge of the class
b. What time the class opened daily
c. What the teacher(s)’ schedules are (are there different teachers at different times of the day as with previous classes; is it one teacher from 8:30 – 5:30, etc)
d. What the approximate class size would be (would there just be one teacher with one class in the room, or would there be two teachers in the room for a larger number of children)
e. Whether the level of detail would change in the reports we received (will there continue to be a daily report or is it now a weekly report)
f. What if any key differences in the daily routine we should expect and prep our daughter for (or if the routine is generally the same – e.g. snack times, lunch times, nap times, etc indication that these things will not change significantly from what she is used to).
6) The lack of consistent reporting in the Preschool classroom. This is never an issue when the primary teacher is present. The primary teacher is extremely diligent in providing clear, daily communication via the daily preschool reports on my daughter’s behavior and activity during the day. However it is a constant issue if someone other than the primary teacher has been running the class or if my daughter’s been placed into another class due to a teacher absence or for load balancing reasons, which as per my previous points, has been occurring with increasing frequency in recent weeks.
As I mentioned in my opening of this letter, overall I have been happy with the quality of care and support that my daughter receives but these changes are causing me to rethink my child care decisions and to look at other options that can provide more stability and predictability for her and that are more proactive in communicating with parents. It is unfortunate because my daughter has formed some strong bonds with the staff here, and strong friendships with the other children in her class. But the lack of predictability and consistent routine has been extremely disruptive to her – she has increased difficulty getting to sleep; she is increasingly anxious in the morning before school; she is having an increasingly difficult time separating from me in the mornings.
Please let me know your response to these concerns.
Tell me... am I a nutjob mom who is overreacting?
Comments
Obviously I am no expert. My only experience with child development is having developed relatively successfully myself.
I do not think you are a nutjob. My only questions are as follows: Is it possible that the anxiety you see in Bobbin is perhaps something she is picking up on from your own anxiety about this situation? You are obviously upset by what you see as a lack of daily routine at the day care. Is it possible that this is causing Bobbin to feel that she should also be upset by it? (i.e., is her train of thought along the lines of "Mommy is worried, so there must be something to worry about. I should worry, too."?)
Posted by Sarah on September 6, 2008 7:56 AM.In my limited experience, kids are far more adaptable than adults are (and also more adaptable than a lot of adults are willing to give them credit for). I would ask myself if it is really the situation causing the child's anxiety, or if it is a reaction to my own unease.
It seems completely reasonable. Most people want to run their organizations well, and it's always helpful to get clear, constructive feedback. (And you have always been a master of the Power Letter.)
Meanwhile, would it be helpful to talk with Bobbin about handling with uncertainty and change? I don't know about developmental ages. But hey, if it works, then you come teach me how to handle uncertainty and change :)
Posted by Sunfriday on September 6, 2008 3:11 PM.Both great comments. I think that certainly her own anxiety is fueled to some extent by my unease, and that is a cycle I try hard to not establish and try harder to break once it is established. But the initial responses were her own and it wasn't until I started looking for what might be happening that I started seeing the full lack of inconsistency. Yes, that upset me and although I've tried to ensure that my concerns are discussed only when she is not present - to the administrative staff, to Tim, I do tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve so if I walk into the school and see this sort of disorganization (day over day) even though I'm biting my tongue and waiting for it get sorted out, I'm sure my facial and body language is telling a different story, and I know that she picks up on that. But I don't think it started with me. I think it's lasting longer than it might have as a result of me, but it started with the school inconsistency.
Whenever we have transitioned her in past years she's fared much better. Much of that is due to her younger age and less complex formation of relationships and less complex imagination about cause and effect type situations and what can happen. But part of it is that the past transitions were more formal, more informaiton was provided, more firm commitments were made regarding start time, teacher assignment, classroom. So she could quickly get into a pattern and have that be her new pattern. If I can have 5 consistent days of her doing the same thing every day I know by the 2nd week she'll be much more willing and at ease. I know from experience with her in these situations. So ideally if I can prep her in advance because I know what is happening in advance, and then can sustain the same routine when transition starts so she can get used to it for several days, this would have gone more smoothly.
Posted by Heather on September 7, 2008 10:24 PM.