Better than before
I took Bobbin to Big Girl Preschool today at 9am, I left her there at 10am, and returned to pick her up at 4pm. There were a few protests and some small tears as I said "see you later!" but she did great the entire day that I was gone. And I got to nap for a couple of hours in the middle of the day. Blissful :-)
We got off to a late start this morning though, because bedtime was fraught with hysterics again last night and she completely exhausted herself screaming in protest. As I mentioned in my last post, we believe, now, that she's been having bad dreams. Bad dreams that possibly involve some sort of separation from Tim and myself. She's been muddling through the concept of death recently. Unavoidable given the amount of roadkill we see on our street, and the National Geographic scenes that take place in our backyard. She's also been grappling with the concept that things she loves can get lost or broken and sometimes you don't find them again or can't fix them. And she also understands that there are things that are dangerous that she can't do because Mommy and Daddy will worry she will get hurt; hurt so bad that she might not get all the way better. And there are of course, the standard preschooler fear of Monsters. Somewhere among these rather complex lines of thought lies a fear, I think, that someday Mommy and Daddy will not be around and I think this is what she is dreaming about and why she is afraid to fall asleep, and why she insists on me checking her, and warns me frequently to be careful and stay safe, and tells me to make sure that I always come home again. And I always promise her that I will always come home again.
It doesn't seem right that a 3 year old should have to deal with these thoughts. I'm pretty sure that I myself was fairly naive and blissfully ignorant about them until at least grade school. I debate with myself all the time as to how to answer the increasingly difficult questions she's asking about death, war, danger. Monsters are easy because they're not real. But the rest... I don't want to lie to her because she will end up finding out the truth and then will know I've lied to her and will not trust me. I don't want to ignore the questions because she'll just find another source for answers to her questions and I want Tim and I to be the ones to answer these questions. I don't want to give her too much detail because she doesn't need it. I try and provide the very basic explanation, with just enough of an answer to satisfy the immediate question, or at least the underlying reason for the question, and without additional detail that will only panic her or be beyond her comprehension, but will be a solid framework for us to be able to build some rules of safety, and a foundation for compassion, trust, love and responsibility. But that balance is difficult to strike.
The latest series of conversations we've been having have actually been about love. Last night and tonight, this was what we discussed:
Bobbin: Where you keep your love?
Me: My love is in my heart; it's in my head; it's in my arms when I hold you and my lips when I kiss you; it's in my eyes.
Bobbin: where is my love?
Me: In all the same places; in your heart, in your head, in your eyes, in your arms, in your kisses and hugs.
Bobbin: Will it fall out?
Me: Nope, it will never fall out. Your love is with you all the time, for ever and ever. It cannot fall out. It is safe inside you. Nobody can take it, and you can't lose it. You can only give love; it's your choice to give it. And the more love you give, the more love you have. You can NEVER run out of love. You will always have enough love, for everyone and everything who is special to you.
Bobbin: can you eat love?
Me: Well, you can eat food that you love. And you can eat with people that you love. But you don't really eat love itself... love is a feeling, not a taste.
Bobbin: Love tastes YUMMY!
Me: Yes! I guess it does taste yummy, and... sweet! And...
Bobbin: Good!
Me: Yes, very good. And Delicious!
Bobbin: I love you, Mommy. And I love Daddy. And I love Zed and Edgar.
Me: See, you have lots and lots of love. You'll never run out.
Bobbin: I didn't want to go home tonight because I wanted to stay with Zed because I love her.
Me: I think she loves you too.
Bobbin: Why?
Me: Because you are a good and kind friend, and a lot of fun to be with.
Bobbin: And I don't want you to go anywhere without me because I love you too, Mommy.
Me: And I love you.
Bobbin: And Daddy loves me?
Me: And Daddy loves you. We both love you. we love you when you're at school and we're at work. we love you when we're all together. We love you when you're sad or angry or silly or happy or frustrated. We love you when we're sad or angry or silly or happy or frustrated. We love you all the time no matter what for ever and ever.
At this point she blew me a kiss.
We got home at 9:45pm. I read her two Harold and the Purple Crayon stories in the big chair. She went to bed with minimal fuss; more likely because she was EXHAUSTED (no nap; up since 7:30; playing hard all day at Big Girl Preschool and then Zed's house) than because she was being agreeable :-).
I feel like we're making progress though. We love the school; Bobbin loves the school. I think we're ok there. It was the right decision. We think we know what's happening at bedtime and now that we do we can take the appropriate tact and tone. We have a plan for Daddy/Daughter wednesdays so that Bobbin can spend more time with Tim alone on a predictable recurring schedule now that he has more direct control over his work schedule. I feel like we untangled a mass of spaghetti and we now have three clear, long, strands that we can deal with rather than the messy tangle that was the last two weeks that would only get messier whenever we tugged on one end without sorting through the rest.
Keep your fingers crossed. I'm sure something new is going to pop up at any moment.
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