Extreme
I took Bobbin to soccer today. The new class she's in doesn't "require" parent participation on the field; encourages the kids to go on the field by themselves. Most of us parents though, end up starting out on the field and slowly backing off to the sidelines once things get going :-) And throughout the "game", Robyn and other kids will run back to the sidelines for a quick hug and kiss :-) She's doing really well with this arrangement. It helps that her BFF is in the same class with her. She starts off shy but quickly gets into her groove once all the running and ball kicking starts.
So we're there this morning, and Bobbin is on the field with the other kids, and this mom and her daughter - can't be more than 3 years old - show up a bit late. The mom tells the little girl to go ahead out on the field and the little girl freaks out and begs her mom to come with her. Her mom refuses, and tells her to go out there now. The little girl launches a temper tantrum, crying and screaming and begging not to go. The mom starts shouting "I'm sick and tired of these tantrums". I can relate to the emotion and frustration in her voice; a day of tantrums is really really really rough. And I take antidepressants. Then the mom yells "Get on the field NOW". More crying and screaming. The Mom then says "If you're not going to play soccer, then give me your soccer uniform. It's mine". At this point the hysterics get much louder and I stand aside from where I had been watching Bobbin and turn around and see that the mom has stripped her daughter down naked except for her underpants, right in the middle of the soccer arena - kids and parents and coaches everywhere - and starts marching her down towards the main area in nothing but her undies. The little girl is in tears. I was in tears. I wanted to reach out and hug the little girl. I wanted to keep her warm. I wanted to at least wrap something around her for her to be comfortable. I did nothing. I did not know what I could do or should do. I suck. And felt ashamed and like a horrible human being for witnessing this and doing nothing.
About 5 minutes later the little girl was back, fully clothed, with her father. She was not crying. She was holding her father's hand. I did not see the mother. The father took her out onto the field and she went without crying. He stayed with her a bit as they played. He slowly backed off the field; the same routine the rest of us parents took. For a few seconds she was ok, but then she ran back to her father, who scooped her up and carried her away.
I still feel sick to my stomach. For what I watched and also what I didn't do.
Every mom has those moments. You've been listening to the tantrums and fighting the battle of wills too much and you just want it to stop. And you say or do something you'd never have done in a level headed, logical moment. It's tiring and hard, and draining. So I can see how a person gets there. I've been there. It's once your there and what you decide to do about it that matters. Yelling... I've done it. Threatening the loss of a special treat ("No McDonalds at lunch" or "No movie after dinner"). Yup. Locking myself in my room for some "quiet time". Done it. Carried my daughter out of a public place because she was screaming and throwing food. Yup. Straight to the car and home. But this was extreme. Before I got to the point that I was stripping my daughter down naked in a public place and forcing her to walk through the building while berating her for being a crying baby, I believe I'd get quiet, pick her up, carry her to the car, and just go home. And then later we'd talk about what the issue was with soccer. If Tim was with me and I was feeling that overwhelmed, before I got to that point I'd hand him the reigns and go to the bathroom and have myself a quiet cry. In either case, my daughter wouldn't be forced onto a field she didn't want to be on to play a game she didn't want to play, with a bunch of strangers she didn't know in order to avoid being stripped down to her underpants as punishment.
What would you do if you had been me?
Comments
Probably the same as you, being in total shock over the whole thing. That parent was SO out of line - how very sad. My afterthought is that I would hope that the coaches would address it immediately, if not shortly after the fact. They ultimately have responsibility to make sure their players are safe and their facilities are used for fun and learning. Perhaps a bit of a cop-out but at the same time, a legimate use of their authority in that place and time.
Posted by Debra on October 5, 2008 10:39 AM.I've been in situations like that, where a parent/grandparent has clearly lost control with a child. In my case, a grandmother was beating her grandson so badly, she was sweating and out of breath. Like you, I froze with tears in my eyes. But my 3-YEAR-OLD daughter had the courage to speak up with her hands on her hips and say, "It's not nice to hit!" And like that, the woman stopped. I hope that if I'm ever in a situation like that again, I will have the courage to act. It's a tough situation.
Posted by Kira on October 6, 2008 9:00 PM.To see that would bother me at a very deep level too....having also been where you have -at my wits end...If I saw this happen, I would also feel helpless...what could I possibly do for that little girl and her mother to make that moment better? The only thing that comes to mind is to go over with a smile on my face and invite the girl to play.....it may break the tantrum, and give the mom to a second to collect herself.
That moment you felt like you wanted to hug the girl? Compassion. Imagine a world with compassion...
I try to live by the following mantra by Ghandi "Be the change you wish to see in the world". If you want to the situation to be different..BE the difference...BE the person that brings compassion...don't rely on someone else, or think it's someone else's responsiblity...YOU can BE the difference.
So for me, when I get that tugging in my heart like you did... should do something and turn away?...I take a deep breath and get in there and operate from my heart...and if I'm too reluctant to do that, I would send good thoughts their way...we don't know what is wrong with the mom, we don't know her story...but what we can do is wish them all a better future...maybe that doesn't seem like enough but for now, if it's all you can do...having compassion, IS enough.
Posted by Lisa on October 7, 2008 3:35 PM.