Sinking in
Posted by Heather on March 20, 2008 at 8:42 PM
We're mid-way through the "terrible twos" and there are some positives: For the last 6 months or so, she uses her words consistently instead of her hands when she's angry with Mommy and Daddy. That's a good thing. Over the course of the last couple of months she's really reduced her use of the "whiney voice". That's a nice relief. Yeah. She's also really good about her please's and thank you's. Doesn't need to be reminded nearly as much. And she doesn't bang her fork on the table nearly as much. Thank you.
For all these changes it just took a lot of consistency on our part, and a lot of repetition. Monotonous repetition. And did I mention consistency? And patience. And repetition. Consistent repetition and patience. You get the point. Say it. Mean it. Do it. And follow through on consequences. And don't lose your own cool throughout the repetitive monotonous consistent repetition. HAH! Yeah, good advice, but not always what stays foremost in mind when you've got a 2 1/2 year old shrieking "No! I don't WANT to!" at you at the top of her lungs over and over again while lying on her back on the floor kicking her feet against the wall. Of COURSE you're going to yell back on occasion. And boy don't you feel totally dumb and sucked in when you do. Which just makes you more annoyed. Timeouts really are for parents as much as they are for children.
Eventually though, it has all paid off. She gets that whining is not the way you get what you want. And hitting is not ok (although Tim and I were the only targets she ever inflicted this upon; according to all the books it is because she trusts and loves us the most. Ok. Don't I feel special now! :-). And she gets that she needs to take care of our stuff and not ruin them by banging on them with sharp forks. And being polite is.. well... the polite thing to do. She still whines. And she still needs reminders on manners. But it's minor stuff now and not center stage the way it was in the beginning.
Providing explanations have also helped. Cause it's not like we have a bazillion rules. We only have a relatively small number of real rules. All of which have to do with being safe, being healthy, being polite, being honest, being respectful (of people and property), being a good person, and not hurting anyone else (with words or actions). So all our rules have perfectly understandable reasons, and perfectly understandable consequences.
Yes you do have to brush your teeth before bed; no it cannot wait until tomorrow. If you don't clean your teeth you will get owies in your mouth and they'll hurt and you won't be able to eat your favourite foods like apples and popcorn because your mouth will be sore.
No, not two more minutes. It's bed time now. You need to go to bed because you need to get good sleep so that you stay healthy and strong and can play with your friends at school. And because mommy and daddy need to get good sleep so we can stay healthy and strong and play with you too. I know you say you're not tired. But your body is tired. It needs sleep. So lie quietly and let your body sleep. You can stay awake but your body needs to rest.
Yes you do have to wash your hands after potty. No it doesn't matter that your hands look clean. Germs are too small to see and if you don't wash your hands you will spread your germs and make yourself sick and other people sick.
Yes you do have to say thank you when someone shares with you. If you don't say thank you, it makes them think you don't care or appreciate it, and eventually they will not want to share with you or play with you, and that will make you sad.
Hitting is not ok. Hitting hurts people. It makes them sad. It's not ok to hurt someone.
Yes you do have to hold my hand in the parking lot. If you don't, you could get hit by a car and that would give you such a big owie you'd have to go to the hospital and you would be sad because you would be hurt for a long long long time and mommy and daddy would be sad and worried. You have to stay safe. If you cannot follow the rules for staying safe, then we will not be able to go out and do fun things together as a family.
Jumping on the couch is not ok because it is not safe - you could fall and get hurt, AND it will break the couch and then we won't have a nice couch to sit on anymore. No, we won't be able to buy a new couch because couches cost a lot of money and Mommy and Daddy worked hard to save up our money for this couch and we like it.
etc.
However we have also entered into a new level of "terrible". She's much more persistent than she was 18 months ago. And she's stronger. And louder. And her emotions are much more complex and far-ranging. And the logic of our rules is less interesting than getting her own way for the sake of getting her own way. However we have discovered that with her new capabilities comes new vulnerability. And one of these is that when the stakes are high enough, loss of privilege is actually painful. And meaningful. And real. And not something that she wants repeated.
The first real example of this we have is last weekend, at Starbucks. The "Easter Bunny" was going to be at our local PCC on Saturday morning, giving out treats, and hosting an egg hunt. Tim and I had a plan for the three of us to head out Saturday morning to Starbucks per our usual weekend routine, and then go next door to PCC to see the bunny and hunt for eggs, and then go to soccer. We told Bobbin our plan and she was terribly excited at the prospect of meeting THE Easter Bunny. In Person.
So Saturday morning rolled around and we headed out to Starbucks. And before we went into the shop we went over the expectations and rules: Listen to Mommy and Daddy. No screaming. No running away. Good behaviour or we will not see the Easter Bunny. She repeated the rules and nodded her head in understanding. We went in.
Up until the last 5 minutes, she was well behaved. Animated, happy, but also following all the rules. As we got up to go, Bobbin insisted on putting on her own coat. She's been working on this for a while. She can do it, but it takes some time, and she can rarely do it without getting frustrated. So we gave her her coat and encouraged her to put it on, and told her if she was getting upset she could ask for help. She snatched the coat and started putting it on.
She hit a few snags and we were able to talk her through them. But all of a sudden she just exploded; unable to get her other arm into the sleeve and not accepting of our offers for help she ripped off her coat and flung it 6 feet away onto the floor and started screeching and then threw her body on the floor. We tried to calm her down but she just started screaming at us. We gave her one warning to calm down and behave but she shouted no and kept carrying on.
So we had no choice. We picked her up. Carried her outside. Put her down. Put on her coat. And explained to her that we understood she was angry but that her behaviour was not acceptable and there would be no Easter Bunny.
I was not expecting quite the sudden reaction to that that we got. We've enforced consequences before; loss of privileges - turned off the TV; no movies. Early bedtime. No cupcake or cookie after dinner. No stickers for a day. But the stakes had never been this high. And to be honest I was actually surprised that she had ascribed so much value to the Easter Bunny visit; I had no idea.
So when we said "There will be no Easter Bunny. We're going home. Lets get in the car" She stopped in her tracks and then started crying. Sobbing. Bawling. Tugging on our arms. And then after we continued to hold firm, came the gasping sobs and pleading. And then the [gasp], [pant], [gulp], [half-sob] "I.. I... I... am behaving now. Ma..ma.. mommy [gasp] [ sob] Peas! Peas go see bunny now. Bobbin is behaving". And then the one that totally tugged at my heartstrings: "Peas mommy, peas, daddy, peas. Bobbin is a good girl. I'm a good girl. I'm a good girl. Peas bobbin see the easter bunny. Bobbin is a good girl", tear streaks fresh on her cheeks, eyes glistening, mouth quivering as she strives to maintain control.
That one got to me because she IS a good girl. She is. Her behaviour may not always be good all the time; who's is? but she is good. She is great. She is an incredibly awesome, sweet and loving, good person. And we have NEVER ever used the words "not a good girl" or "bad girl" in relation to her as a person; only in relation to her behaviour. We've been careful and explicit and intentional about that. It was all I could do not to break down into tears myself as I crouched down and explained "You are a good girl Bobbin, but your behaviour is not good. It is ok to feel angry. It is ok to feel frustrated. It is ok to be angry at mommy and daddy. But when you are angry, you need to use your words. You can't throw things. Or scream. Or kick, or throw your body on the floor. You need to use angry words. You need to say "I am ANGRY". Or you need to give yourself a timeout. Sit down or walk away and take a breath. But you can't throw and scream and kick and fall on the floor. That is not good behaviour".
I think she got the distinction. But even as we settled into the car she started crying again after we pulled away from the parking lot. "Bobbin is behaving now. Bobbin want to see the bunny. PEAS! Bobbin don't want to go home. Bobbin want to see the bunny. PEAS! Peas turn around and go see the bunny. Peas don't go home". Her voice had a desperate pitch that made me even sadder.
When we got home she was still sobbing. We went into the house and spent a lot of time talking about how she needs to think about what happens when she doesn't behave BEFORE she doesn't behave. That misbehaving and then saying I'm sorry will not reverse a consequence. She needs to learn how to not do the thing that got her in trouble in the first place. I didn't use those exact words. And the conversation was a 20 minute one and... repetitive :-) but I think she got it.
A couple of hours later, as we were absorbed in some art project or another, Bobbin looked up me and said, happily, "Mommy, Bobbin is behaving. Maybe later, You and Daddy and Bobbin can go to Apple Store and go see the Easter Bunny!". She said it with such enthusiasm and faith that it was going to happen, that it pained me to tell her that "Yes sweetheart, you are behaving very well, and I'm so proud of you. But the easter bunny isn't at the apple store anymore. He was only there this morning and now he's gone home. We'll have to wait until next year to see him again". "Maybe tomorrow?" was her optimistic answer. "No, honey. Not tomorrow. We missed him this year. That's what happens when we can't behave and listen to mommy and daddy. Next year we will try again". She looked sad, but she moved on. Thank goodness.
Since then, there's been a marked decline in meltdowns of this sort. Thank goodness because if we had put her through all that angst and, truth be told, myself through all that sadness and pain, I wanted it to have stuck and meant something. However we had a minor one today at PCC, which is where I took Bobbin to dinner this evening while Tim worked late.
We were getting ready to leave and she refused to wear her coat properly; insisting on wearing it like a "cape" with the hood on her head and the rest of it flowing out behind her. She was in short sleeves and it was 40F and raining outside, so in my mind this was not an acceptable option. I insisted she wear her coat. I offered to let her put it on herself, and I offered to put it on for her. In the end she threw her coat and herself on the floor and as I carried her out the door I said "That is not good behaviour. We are going home, and we are getting into our jammies, having our bottle and going straight to bed. No TV or movies". She protested vehemently but she let me put her coat on, and when we got home didn't even ask to watch TV, and didn't fight me on the jammies. as I was getting her out of the car she said "See, I'm listening to mommy" and I smiled and said thank you. Of course I didn't tell her that it was 7:00pm and time we would have started getting ready for bed anyway. But she went into the house, went potty, brushed her teeth, got her jammies on all without a fuss. And we didn't watch TV at all, keeping true to my promise, and I did remind her why that was so. We did, however, read 3 stories as she drank her bottle. We will never withhold books or reading as punishment. Books should always be available. And as I read to her while she cuddled in my lap, I praised her on her good behaviour and listening since we had been home. :-)
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Daddy's Day 2006
Posted by Heather on June 18, 2006 at 5:58 PM
We took Tim on the Royal Argosy Father's Day Brunch Cruise as a surprise today. All 3 of us had a blast. Baby Girl was enthralled with the live trio (especially the drums)that played throughout our meal and afterwards, yummed up the cinnamon toast and melon pieces that I gave her from my plate, and enjoyed crawling and walking around upstairs on the top floor of the boat where they had colouring and painting and sticker art and lots of space to run around, and a showing of the movie "Finding Nemo", as well as an outdoor deck that was clean and safe. Definitely a very kid-friendly experience and one I highly recommend for those with little ones!
The weather was great and once we were out on the water, it was beautiful and warm on deck and Baby Girl enjoyed walking around and watching the water and the sailboats and the skyline.
All went rather well, until Baby Girl had her first encounter with a bully. He was about two years old and quite a bit bigger than her. It started with a keen interest on his part in her binky which was dangling from its clip on her dress, and quickly escalated into an arm slap (with mild admonishment from the mom) to a hit in the back (with much more severe admonishing from the mom) to a full on hard core shove in the back that pushed her right off her feet (with a swift yank by the arm from the mom and some pretty heavy duty scolding as she dragged him off for a punishment) and caused her to cry. Hell, it almost caused me to cry, and had the mom not been as fast as she was, and as clearly appalled and angry at her son's behaviour as she was, I'm not entirely sure what I would have, ahem, said, to the little delinquent.
And it wasn't one of those innocent 2-year-old doesn't-really-know-the-limits, testing-the-waters, unaware-of-his-own-strength kind of incident. No... he had this glint in his eye and an evil little smirk on his face the entire time, including when his mother made him apologize to her.
Nonetheless, Baby Girl made a swift recovery when we went back downstairs and enjoyed the live music. In order to prevent her from running onto the floor and grabbing their instruments, and an additional meltdown when I prevented her from doing just that earlier, in a flash of brilliance I stood her up in an empty booth table so she could face the musicians but wasn't able to actually get to them. And she enjoyed the music and bopped away, little knees a-bouncing and little hands a-slapping on the back of the booth, smile on her face the entire time. I think the musicians found her quite amusing (including the little tantrum she had when I dragged her off the floor crying because I wouldn't let her touch the drums). I didn't notice but Tim said although he didn't hear her protests, he did see everyone near the front laughing, including the musicians, so apparently we caused quite a stir of amusement during the tantrum and Mommy's subsequent grab-and-go of Baby Girl when all else failed ;-)
Anyway - the cruise was fun, Baby Girl enjoyed herself, as did Daddy (which was key!) and I, and now we're just hanging and relaxing. Baby Girl had her last bottle at 6:30 and has been asleep ever since. I didn't even get a chance to get her into her jammies.
Many more pictures of our day here.
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My Daddy
Posted by Heather on June 18, 2006 at 12:01 AM
By BabyGirl (with help from Mommy)
I have the bestest Daddy
None other can compare.
If I could play the trumpet
I'd play him a grand fanfare!
He's tall and smart and handsome,
And he gives the best bear hugs.
And when I'm lying on his lap
He keeps me warm and snug.
He's taught me all 'bout hockey,
Football and baseball too.
I love to watch the games with him
And clap and cheer and boo.
He knows just how to tickle me
To make me laugh and wiggle,
And his ducky quack quack noises
Really make me giggle!
He takes me to neat places
And we do the funnest things
Like going to the Cirque
And playing on the swings!
I love to watch my Daddy cook;
He's really very good.
And now that I have my own teeth
I can actually eat his food!
I know my Daddy loves me,
I see it in his eyes,
And feel it when he holds me,
And hear it in his sighs.
I am a lucky little girl
I know this to be true.
So Daddy, on this Father's Day,
I hope you know I love you too!
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