Bringing Up Bobbin

Tension Free

I'm still fighting a head cold that came on fairly quickly, probably sped up by the 80 minute massage I had yesterday. I had sniffles when I went in for it but this morning I had a full blown cold, with throat gunk and phlegm and everything. Mmmm, mmm. Tasty.

But after deciding to take a sick day and staying under the covers all morning, and drinking my weight in Orange Mango Peach juice and downing several tablets of airborne with water when I wasn't drinking juice or peeing, I started to feel a bit better. So I headed out to buy more juice and get a bit of fresh air. I stopped at Barnes and Nobles on my way home to check out their fairytale section. No luck in that department but as I was leaving, I saw a box on the clearance table that piqued my interest. In it were two small, grapefruit sized rubber balls. Like miniature versions of those big exercise balls for pilates and pregnant women. The label said "The Miracle Ball!". A hole in the front had a caption next to it saying "Touch The Miracle Ball!" so I did. It felt squishy but firm, if that makes any sense. The box claimed it was the remedy for lower back tension and pain. Even an 80 minute massage has never been able to completely eliminate the tension in my lower back. It was on sale, so I thought "what the hell" and bought it.

I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight followed by 30 minutes doing some of the basic exercises on these balls. The exercises are described in a little booklet that came in the box with the balls.

And after 30 minutes, I'm feeling amazingly better. And there is physical proof to boot, so I know it's not all in my mind. Normally when I lie down on the floor on my back with my legs straight out, the arch in my lower back is so high that Bobbin could practically crawl through it. Ok, I'm exaggerating a tad. But it's big. Much bigger than before I got pregnant, for sure although it's always been relatively arched. It's always been where I store my tension. Tonight was no different. But then after 30 minutes using these balls, when I finished and stretched out on the floor, the arch was much smaller. And the tension was gone! And I could stretch like I could 4 years ago, and I wasn't feeling any lower back pain!

I sound like an infomercial, I know. But it's true. I think I know where the inch went when I last measured in at my doctor's at 5'7" (an inch shorter than about 4 years ago). Into my lower back arch. I may just be able to get that inch back if I keep this up :)

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New Year, fresh start

1 hour exercised. 600 calories burned. Off to a fresh start with my exercise regimen. I have to say, having a nice room to exercise in definitely helps! :)

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Mommy's excercisin' tonight!

Mommy's excercisin' tonight!, originally uploaded by heathcseattle.

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Now I have NO excuse!

Now I have NO excuse!, originally uploaded by heathcseattle.

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New addiction

Ok - first of all, yay for me. Every single day during the thanksgiving holiday I did a 4-mile walk. Woohoo. It was awesome. I walked in the rain, mostly, but it still felt good. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And accompanying me on my journeys was my new 3G iPhone. The 3G phone doesn't have a recessed earphone jack which means that I can ditch the extender that I had purchased so I could use my favourite earphones with my old iPhone, and instead am now able to plug my earphones directly into the iPhone jack. And this means that my music doesn't cut out on me with every third step. And so I've started listening to music on my iPhone again. And so I've started walking more. Not that I couldn't or didn't walk without listening to music. But it's nice every once in a while to have a bit of a distraction.

Ok - second of all, I just got back on the elliptical this evening for the first time in what's felt like forever but has actually been about a week. But this time, when I got on the elliptical I had my 3G iPhone with me. And on that 3G iPhone I've downloaded and installed "Tap Tap Revenge" - kind of an iPhone version of "Guitar Hero", and free to boot. Yes, I could have installed this on my original iPhone. Only now that I have a 3G network downloads are much MUCH faster, and so I've downloaded a LOT more stuff. A lot of stuff. And so the new thing for me to do is to veg in front of the TV playing games on my iPhone. Games like "Tap Tap Revenge". And downloading free apps. Tim and I sit there, we two, and try and be the one that finds the coolest free app and download it first. It's really quite sad, in a way. Or maybe "pathetic" is a more appropriate word.

Anyway... tonight on my elliptical instead of watching the Daily Show, or listening to music on my iPhone (which is what I had intended to do when I brought it downstairs with me), I started playing "tap tap revenge". Probably not the safest two things to do at the same time, and yes, I almost fell off my elliptical at one point (but I caught myself - and didn't miss a beat in the game either!) but the 30 minutes went by like *that*. In fact, it went by so fast that I kept ellipticalling well after the clock had run down. It was amazingly fun and distracting.

Man, I am totally the target market for the Wii Fit. It'd probably be safer too :-)

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Pushing the reset button

After a week long hiatus on the exercise front due primarily to a cough and head cold I just can't seem to shake, I managed to push the reset button and get my butt downstairs for an hour on the exercycle.

It's been a crappy week. Crappy at work. And cranky at home. Me, that is. Cranky. With Tim bearing the brunt of it and Bobbin getting some of the leftovers. Some of the crankiness is... well... expected, if you know what I mean, while some of it is just coming out of nowhere. I am not sure if the month of different generic antidepressants is partially to blame; not sure how long it takes for that stuff to kick back in. It also doesn't help that it is November in Seattle. Which means rain and dreary grey skies. Lots of rain. And I pulled something in my back late this afternoon, putting laundry in the dryer. I'm gettin' old.

All that combined - different meds; PMS; lack of exercise; head cold that won't go away; back that won't bend - doesn't make for great mental health.

But today I exercised. And then I took a shower. And I gave myself a facial. And I deep conditioned my hair. And I shaved my legs. And then I took a bubble bath. And then I warmed my jammies up in the dryer so they'd be all snuggly (Tim and I used to do this for Bobbin when she was a baby. Oh my god... did I just say "used to... when she was a baby"? Ugh. I guess I will find myself saying that a lot more from hereon out).

So Today is now DAY 1. Tomorrow I start a new week, and attempt anew to achieve my weekly exercise goals. Wish me luck. And sunshine.

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Some of these brands are not like the others.

Some of these brands are only kinda the same.
Can you guess which brands are not like the others?
Now it's time to play our game.
It's time to play our game.

Yeah. Not a fun game to play when it involves your antidepressant medication.

So I've had a rough few weeks. 4 weeks. Month. I've had a rough month. I racked my brain for some time trying to think of why it's been rough. Things have been going well. Bobbin is enjoying school. Tantrums have significantly decreased. Work is challenging but good. Tim isn't snoring as much so I'm getting more sleep :-)

By week 3, I had a hypothesis. When I went to get my new prescription filled at the beginning of the month, I went to a different drug store than I usually do. And that drug store had a different generic substitute for my prescription than my regular drug store. I could tell because the pills were a different shape and colour. But the actual medicine and dosage was the same. I even looked it up online to be sure.

But after 3 weeks I wasn't feeling the same. So I wondered, with all other factors in my life being fairly consistent, is it possible, not all generics are created equal? And the answer is, in the United states, yes. Yes it is possible that not all generics are exactly the same.

I asked my doctor today and he confirmed my suspicions. The FDA allows for a fair bit of variance. There's no way for him to confirm with certainty that the 2nd brand I was using was any less effective than the first; it could be I was just having a challenging month. But given what I described I had experienced, and given that when I went back to the 1st brand and after a week started slowly feeling like I was getting back to normal, it was a strong possibility that the 2nd brand was not equivalent in level of meds.

So how is bioequivalence defined by the FDA? According to Wikipedia,

The United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has defined bioequivalence as, "the absence of a significant difference in the rate and extent to which the active ingredient or active moiety in pharmaceutical equivalents or pharmaceutical alternatives becomes available at the site of drug action when administered at the same molar dose under similar conditions in an appropriately designed study.

The FDA considers two products bioequivalent if the 90% CI of the relative mean Cmax, AUC(0-t) and AUC(0-∞) of the test (e.g. generic formulation) to reference (e.g. innovator brand formulation) should be within 80.00% to 125.00% in the fasting state. Although there are a few exceptions, generally a bioequivalent comparison of Test to Reference formulations also requires administration after an appropriate meal at a specified time before taking the drug, a so-called "fed" or "food-effect" study. A food-effect study requires the same statistical evaluation as the fasting study, described above.

Roughly translated to English, what this means is that two products are considered sufficiently equivalent if the average concentration found in the blood of the majority the test subjects who received the generic formulation is within 80% - 125% of the brand formulation in both fasting and fed studies. This means that in the extreme case I could take generic brand X and be absorbing as much 125% of what I would have absorbed if I had taken the same dose as the name brand. And then take generic brand Y and be absorbing only 80% of what I would have absorbed if I had taken the name brand. Another way to look at it, is that a generic pill that is supposed to be 100mg in strength could potentially contain as much as 125mg of the formulation, all of which is absorbed by some number of test subjects, or might contain 100mg of medicine but only 80mg of that gets absorbed by some number of test subjects. That's a difference of 45mg. Ok - it's not quite that straight forward but I failed first year statistics and barely passed the second time I took it, however the point is the same: there can actually be a fairly wide variation in formulations between different generic brands of the same drug; from each other as well as from the name brand.

In the US, however, some insurance policies won't cover the full cost of the name brand, or even cover a portion of the cost. And when you walk into a drug store, you don't know unless you ask, what generic brand they will use to fill the prescription. Or unless you spend an hour sifting through photos and descriptions of the pill shape & imprint online to identify the manufacturer after you get the drug home. But when you do find out that you've reacted differently to a particular generic brand your doctor can write you a perscription either requiring no substitute from the name brand, or explicitly excluding specific generic brands from being used. So that's what's gonna happen next time for me :-)

And the lesson - don't assume all generics are exactly equal. And if you have switched generics, or switched from brand to generic and you notice a difference in how it is affecting you, definitely let your doctor know.

Footnotes for those interested, and/or those who passed statistics the first time around:

In statistics, a confidence interval (CI) is an interval estimate of a population parameter. Instead of estimating the parameter by a single value, an interval likely to include the parameter is given. Thus, confidence intervals are used to indicate the reliability of an estimate. How likely the interval is to contain the parameter is determined by the confidence level or confidence coefficient. Increasing the desired confidence level will widen the confidence interval.

For example, a CI can be used to describe how reliable survey results are. In a poll of election voting-intentions, the result might be that 40% of respondents intend to vote for a certain party. A 95% confidence interval for the proportion in the whole population having the same intention on the survey date might be 36% to 44%. All other things being equal, a survey result with a small CI is more reliable than a result with a large CI and one of the main things controlling this width in the case of population surveys is the size of the sample questioned. Confidence intervals and interval estimates more generally have applications across the whole range of quantitative studies.

In the above, the 95% associated with the confidence interval is called the confidence level of the interval: this is defined formally below.

Occasionally, blood concentration levels are neither feasible or possible to compare the two products (e.g. inhaled corticosteroids), then pharmacodynamic endpoints rather than pharmacokinetic endpoints (see below) are used for comparison. For a pharmacokinetic comparison, the plasma concentration data are used to assess key pharmacokinetic parameters such as area under the curve (AUC), peak concentration (Cmax), time to peak concentration (Tmax), and absorption lag time (tlag). Testing should be conducted at several different doses, especially when the drug displays non-linear pharmacokinetics.

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Looking forward

Bobbin's favourite question as I'm putting her to bed at night is "Momma, what we gonna do after dis sleep?". Of course, if it's a school night, the answer is "School" but we already know about all the cool things happening at school all day for the whole week, thanks to her teacher's regularly weekly emails that list out the full week's lesson plan. Have I mentioned how much I love this new school? So we're able to get jazzed about all the fun things she's going to do at school, which eliminates (most times) the protests of going to school. And now, when we get there, she runs full speed down the walkway ahead of me, to go find her friends and start playing. I had to ask for a kiss and a hug and no sooner than it was issued, she was back with her friends, back turned to me.

VICTORY!!!! She turned and glanced back as I was leaving, but I had put my arms back down and wiped the look of scary happiness off my face and just smied, waved, and called "I love you sweetie! See you after school!"

Tim went to pick her up and she didn't want to leave.

I'd say we're over the transition badness.

12 hours of sleep last night - she slept from 7:40 - 7:30. Would have slept longer had I not awakened her. She was happy when she got up though. No protests

She's been coming home with this knowledge and these ideas /that have not come from Tim or I. I know a lot of songs, but I had not heard "Doggy Doggy where's your bone? Someone took it from your home! Guess who? It might be me or you or you!" or how about

There are Seven Days
There are Seven Days
There are Seven Days in the week
Sunday Monday
Tuesday Wednesday
Thursday Friday
Saturday

Ah yes, and there is also

Pumpkin, pumpkin, I've been thinking
You're the finest one I've seen
Soon to be a jack-o-lantern
All lit up for Halloween

And she's recognizing numbers - the number 4 in particular (there have been several recent birthdays in the class of kids who are turning 4). And there must be someone in her new class who likes Batman because she's been into watching superhero movies, and pretending she's batgirl on her swing and calling me BatMommy ,and Tim BatDaddy. It's pretty comical.

I'm barely making it through my exercise goals. Haven't failed, but just squeaking by. And it's just been a generally rough 3 weeks or so, but I think I'm getting back on track. Looking forward to taking some copious time off in December.

A good day. Are we coming out of it?

Today was a good day. Well, it was a good day after I dropped her off at school. It was a good day when we first got up. It was not so good between the time I made her breakfast and informed her today was a school day in response to her "what we gonna do today?" question that she asks every morning, and the time I actually managed to get her belted into the car for the ride to school.

BUT... once there, there weren't too many tears when we said goodbye. I had a good conversation 1:1 with the director before leaving to learn more about what Bobbin's doing when I'm not there and it was positive and insightful. She's doing great, bottom line. She's not so keen on making new friends. We think she might think that by doing so she'd be disloyal to her old friends. Oh man, if there's one thing that I CANNOT relate to its the concept of disloyalty to old friends. I didn't make friends easily as a kid either, but I always had a few where ever we lived. it would have been ten times worse, moving around as frequently as I did, if I maintained some sense of loyalty to my old friends that dictated that I couldn't make new ones. But I digress. I guess she's polite and not aggressive; she just shuns any attempts to get her to play with them. Although there are two little girls whose names she mentions frequently at home with great enthusiasm. She has professed her love about one. And there is a little boy that she has fun with. He's a bit of a troublemaker from what I can tell. Not bad; just likes to push the limits. So we might try and arrange some outside-of-school playdates.

She was great at school - happy, participating, friendly, listening. And there were no meltdowns after school. Or even after Tim got her home. Or even while dinner was cooking. Or even whlie we were eating. Or even while we were playing. Or even while we were getting ready for jammies. Or even while we were being tucked in. It was like the Bobbin that we know and love was BACK, and the little devil that had been possessing her for the last 4 weeks is gone. Knock on wood. We'll see if we can repeat the same tomorrow. Maybe even avoid the morning meltdown.

I have been exercising; made my goal last week with a walk on Saturday, and started off this week with 60 minutes Sunday and again this evening. It's just getting boring to write about, and I imagine even more boring to read about so I haven't been posting it every day. But it's happening!

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3 in a row

I did it. I've done my 3 60 minute workouts for this week. Sunday, Monday, and tonight. Woohoo. And my cold is almost gone. A record for me; normally I'm miserable for a couple of weeks. I've blown this off in 7 days.

I have to admit to having indulged in some sweets the past few days. Chocolate just makes me feel better. I know. I know. I know already. So I likely haven't added to my weight loss. But I am positive I haven't gained. And tomorrow is a new day. I'll get back on track with my eating habits. You know how I know? Because i've just told the Internet that I would.

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Back on the elliptical; time for new goals

Back 0n the elliptical today despite my still being at about 50% from whatever bug I've got now. It's the "New School Year" bug. Because I started getting sick exactly 5 days after Bobbin started going to her new Big Girl Preschool.

But tonight I did it - got back on. 60 minutes on the elliptical, while watching "The Cleaner" with Benjamin Bratt. It's cheese. But it does the job. And is better than the alternatives on Sundays at 8. That meant that I was finished and able to do my stretching to Desperate Housewives. Yay!

So I was in week 11 when the bug hit me and I fell off track on the exercise routine. And so now I need to not only get back on but beat my 11 week streak by at least a week before missing a weekly goal. Week 22 just happens to be my Birthday. And it's on a SATURDAY. Which means... I get to exercise at ANY TIME I WANT on a saturday AND have y'all over to PARTY afterwards to boot. Umm... if that's, like, cool with you, Tim? ;-)

11 weeks until my birthday. Sweet! If I assume I haven't lost any ground, and I continue at the same snails pace that I'm on right now, then I should be weighing 11 lbs lighter than I am right now which puts me 4 lbs shy from the size I was when I went to try on Bridesmaid's dresses for my sister's wedding when she was last here. Which was December 2006, I believe. On one hand, I looked better then than I do now. On the other hand, I thought I looked bad then too, and I felt worse about myself then that I do now. I wasn't working out. I was on a leave of absence for depression. I was seeing a pyschologist. And oh look just how great that therapy worked out! Although it's the same meds, there are some diferences now: different therapist; different primary care physician, different age child; more experience as a mom; I haven't driven Tim insane or to drink or to leave me. All these things bode well for me.

So - cheer me on. I'm back on it. I did 60 minutes tonight. I can do it. I'm tough. I ran a frickin' MARATHON once, you know. From start to finish in 5 hours and 23 minutes. 60 minutes a night is nothing.

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Week 11 is a dud

I managed two workouts this week - 60 minutes on monday and 60 minutes on tuesday - before falling hard to the first cold of the season. No workout wednesday, thursday, friday, or today. My nose is a faucet. My eyes are dry. My head has been pounding all day. Yesterday late afternoon I was actually thinking I was over the worst of it; feeling pretty good; had energy; wasn't as sniffly; even went to friday night because I felt like the fog was lifting. Then woke up this morning feeling like someone had hit me with a truck.

I'm going to exercise tomorrow come hell or high water. I'm starting to feel like a sloth. A sick, snotty, sloth. With phlegm.

I will not let it all end at 11 weeks. The 10 lbs I have lost, the 1 1/2 inches around my waist. They will not come back. This cold will not be the end of my reinvigorated exercise regimen.

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Begin Anew

New car today. Tim's car. Audi is gone. We got $4K for it towards the new car. The entire time, from haggling down to paper signing took 3 hours. But we got the price we wanted. We won!

Picture day at school today. Bobbin dressed up, and yelled, or so she told me, "COOKIEMONSTER" when the photographer asked her to smile for the camera.

No surprise that I start out the new cold season with a cold. Icky. I didn't do my 60 minutes today as I had hoped. Didn't even do my 30. This could be the first week in 11 weeks that I miss my goal. But I'm sicker than a dog.

Grey's Anatomy is on. Season Premiere.

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Two More Days; two more hurdles

I ended up taking Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off last week, but still hit my goal with three 60 minute workouts and two 30 minute workouts. After the three days off, getting on the elliptical Monday was euphoric. I burned through my workout in no time while watching the lead-in to the Heroes season premiere :-). I wasn't sure I was going to actually get a chance. Tim had to work late, so I was the tucker-inner. And given the way she's been lately at bedtime, I was sure that I wasn't going to get in my exercise. But into bed she went without a fuss, and was asleep within minutes. I was downstairs by 8:15pm and worked out completely uninterrupted for the full hour. And I got to adjust down my weight by 5 lbs on the little computer screen. I just love that ;-)

Yesterday was another 60 minute day, despite PMS and a migraine. Today however, was not. I'm coming down with a cold; coughing, runny nose, aches. Blech. Hopefully it's short lived. I can still make my goal. 60 minutes tomorrow and 30 on friday and saturday and I'll have it. It's gonna be tight though.

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Week 10 results

Week 10 results are in. Since August 16th, my week 5 checkpoint, I have lost an additional 1/2 inch around my waist and another 5 lbs, for a grand total of 1 1/2 inches around my waist and 10 lbs since the beginning of my renewed exercise regimen 10 weeks ago. I've also dropped one pant/dress size in the process.

I still struggle with how "slow" the weight is coming off. Yes, I know I'm losing at a healthy, sustainable pace. Yes, I know that waist & pant size is a healthier number to focus on. I know these things. I still want to reach my targets yesterday. But I'm keeping it up.

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They're back! And not a moment too soon

Did my 60 minutes today to The Daily Show and Colbert Report. Ah, how I missed Jon and Steven. The time flew by tonight and I worked up a great sweat. I'm ready for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Bobbin's first day at "Big Girl Preschool". I bought her a new sparkly Cinderella Princess Backpack to commemorate the occasion. I filled it with a new set of markers (her old ones were used up, dried out, or both), a new doodle pad, and some new pastel crayons. All of which, backpack included, were in the clearance aisle at Target. I love the "after back to school" sales :-)

She's apprehensive. Understandably so. She alternates between wanting to go to her "wegular class" and wanting to go to "big girl preschool" from minute to minute. The backpack was a hit though.

She's getting so big so fast. We were in Fred Meyer the other day, perusing the toy aisles while I waited for my prescription to be filled, when Bobbin saw the bicycle rack from a distance and made a beeline over to a 12" pink, tasselled, bike with training wheels. A real honest-to-goodness big girl bike, with bicycle chain and backpedal brakes. I took it off the shelf to let her check it out. She climbed on and put her feet on the pedals. And proceeded to ride all the way down to the end of the aisle. The backpedal braking motion kinda threw her for a loop, but she eventually got it.

A big girl bike. Is it possible? She's only just turned 3. We did add it to the top of the Santa list though. But it has to be pink.

She's also started creating a distinction in her mind of "girl things" and "boy things". I'm not sure where this comes from. She has lots of what some might think of as "boy" things that she loves to play with - her Elmo toolbench; her Thomas the Train set; her collection of matchbox cars and trucks; her airplanes. And her imagination has her traveling to the moon, playing a running back in football, and driving dump trucks on a regular basis. Of course, she'll often do so while dressed in a sparkly pink dress and sporting a tiara and some of my lipstick. But there's no rule that states a princess can't be a back hoe operator or linebacker or vice versa. Ok, maybe for the time being it's best to remain a closet princess if you're a linebacker :-)

Anyway, we were flipping through the latest fisher-price catalog this evening. The first section, with the Little People stuff, she did not identify as being associated with a particular gender. Next came the jeeps and cars and trucks. Of course, all of the photos showed little boys playing with these toys. Bobbin pointed and said "this is the boy section". I replied with "Well, there are boys in the pictures, but girls play with these toys too" and reminded her that she loved playing with her cars and with her trains. The pages after this were pink and filled with dolls and frills and pretend cookware and princess costumes and dress up jewelry. Bobbin pointed and said, authoritatively, "these things are just for girls". I asked her if she saw boys playing with baby dolls at school, or pretended to cook in the play kitchen and dress up in the play clothes and she said yes. So I pointed out that even though these pictures only had girls in them, boys could still play with all these toys too. And aren't Daddy and Grandpa Jerry two of the best cooks you know? I decided it best to not get into the stereotyped interpretations that many would make upon seeing a little boy in a princess dress and rhinestone earrings carrying a pink silk purse :-). And granted, the boys at school are often throwing the baby dolls against the wall or banging the toy frying pans on the bookcase when they're playing. But all of that's neither here nor there.

Still, it's interesting to see that she's picking up on some of the stereotypes that remain common in advertising.

Tomorrow should be interesting. I have no idea how this is going to go. I'm mentally prepared for anything. I hope that her natural curiosity takes over as soon as we enter the classroom. I know that she'll spend the first little while observing quietly and taking it all in. We'll see what happens after that :-)

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Trash TV. There's nothing like it for burning calories

Nothing on tv tonight. Not even my old standby, Dr. Phil. And so I found myself working out on the elliptical to "Paris Hilton's BFF Casting Call". All I can say is

Wow.

It was just one of those cases where it was just so bad it sucked you in and you didn't realize how much time had passed. That was 60 minutes I'll never get back.

The actual series premieres... uh... sometime, on some channel. Thanks, but no thanks. But I did burn over 600 calories this evening just out of sheer perplexity that any human being would willingly, let alone enthusiastically, subject themselves to this experience.

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Bracing for the storm

4 days of 60 consecutive minutes of aerobic workout, 2 days of 30 consecutive minute workouts. Technically I've exceeded my weekly goal of 3 60s and 2 30s and I'm only 5 days into the week! I'm gonna need the extra credit.. next week's gonna be a bitch.

Tim and I made a very very very hard decision today to enroll Bobbin in a new preschool. Her current daycare, as I've mentioned previously, served us well for 3 years but over the course of the summer a lot of changes happened and despite us trying to work with them on getting to some common ground, it just wasn't on a path to getting resolved to our satisfaction. And so we began a search for new options this week, and wham bam, in the informed yet decisive way that is mine, we have analyzed the results, assessed the risks, and made a decision.

Bobbin's last day at her current daycare will be Monday. We started talking with her about it today, and will spend time talking with her about it in depth tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. We'll write cards to the teachers to say thank you and goodbye. We''ll write notes to the parents of her friends with our contact info so we can hopefully get the kids together semi-regularly since she's been with many of them for 3 years now.

Tim and I are sure we have made the right choice. The teacher and classroom consistency is what we are looking for, the teachers are highly qualified and from what I've seen from my visits there, are highly interactive and clearly care about the children. Three different parent reference checks came back with glowing feedback, as well as some concrete things that they'd like to see the school do better but none of those things are deal-breakers. Overall I think it is a much more stable and consistent and dependable environment than the one she is in currently.

I took Bobbin there today on the way home from her other school. We talked about where I was taking her. We arrived and she marched up the steps like she owned it, and started looking around the room as I talked with the director. Actively looking. Touching. I was surprised. Then I told her we could go check out the playground and the forest and that was all she needed to hear. We were there for about an hour; the buildings had all closed but the director said we can use the outdoor grounds any time - weekends, etc - now that she's enrolled. We'll take her up on that this weekend. Get Bobbin feeling familiar with the space.

To accomodate the transition I'm taking Tuesday morning off, and we'll spend a half-day at her new school together and then come home for the rest of the day, during which I'll attempt to work from home. On Wednesday Tim will take her to the new school and they'll spend a half day there together and then come home for the rest of the day while I work all day. Thursday and Friday I'll spend all day with Bobbin at her new school hangin'. Saturday and Sunday we'll go play there together. Monday I'll spend half a day there with her and then hopefully, leave her there on her own and happy the rest of the day.

That's the plan. It's complicated. And while I wouldn't have done anything different, I do feel guilty about the two mornings I've taken off from work this week to tour daycare centers and interview daycare directors. Tim's had to do the same. And now I'm taking 2 and a half days off next week and a half day off the following week.

Next week, I predict that my wednesday blog entry will be filled with regrets and self doubts about whether we did the right thing for Bobbin; whether I'm meeting my responsibilities at work; etc. etc.

And so the vicious cycle continues.

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Yes, yes, I'm afraid I did.

Daily Show was a repeat, so tonight's hour long session on the elliptical was completed watching... wait for it... the series premiere of the new 90210.

The story lines are just as vapid as the ones in the original series; perhaps even moreso. The characters just as shallow and token. I learned some new teen lingo... "sick" is apparently synonymous with the old '80's "awesome". Sick. Dude.

But I got my 60 minutes done (which makes 2 days in a row; although yesterday's show was the season premiere of Dr. Phil). And not a moment too soon, because the next show on "The CW" was the series premiere of "Privileged". I'm proud to say I missed that one.

Oh, and "The CW" is definitely one channel that is going on the parental controls block list.

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Balancing Act

I made my goal again last week with 60 minutes on the elliptical yesterday evening. Started off this week with a 4 mile walk today and topped it off this evening with 30 minutes on the elliptical. I weigh myself next Sunday.

Bobbin had no nap today. Woke up at 6:45pm and went to bed at 8:15pm. You'd never have known it. No implosions, even when I left for my walk, or when we were over at our friends' house this afternoon and evening. She was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow though.

Yesterday, however, was The Big Event: Bobbin's BFF from school turned 3 years old. Bobbin has been eagerly anticipating this birthday party for 3 weeks - ever since he handed her an invitation at school. She had her dress picked out the day before - white with green and pink embroidery and a little pink eyelet petticoat underneath. Same one that she wore to her own birthday party. As we walked up the steps to his front door she stopped, swished her dress, and said with a smile, "[BFF] is really going to like this dress". Oooh boy :-) She had a total blast at the party and so did BFF. I managed to capture a few moments with the camera.

Her imagination is really blossoming these days as well. Her climber outside frequently turns into a castle, a hospital, a fire station, and a sailboat among other things. Her favourite is to slide down the slide with her fire fighter's hat on and yelling "WOOOO ooooo OOOO oooo" to rescue Kitty, whom she has tossed off the top of the climber. Once rescued she hauls him back up to the top of the climber which has become a hospital, and gives Kitty CPR and gets him breathing again and checks his heart. I caught her in the act a few days ago and took this series of photos

Finally, I leave you with Bobbin's latest passion: Balancing. She doesn't realize it, but she has a lot in common with her Mommy that way. Metaphorically speaking, of course :-) She starts Gymnastics next saturday. We decided to give Soccer a bit of a break for a while so it doesn't become old; she was starting to have a harder and harder time staying enthused for the whole class. So next week she starts the "Mini Munckins" gymnastics class for 3-4 1/2 year olds. "Girls and boys will learn gymnastics concepts through movement exploration. Concepts will include body, space, and motion awareness, as well as developing social skills and creativity. Balance, strength, coordination, and self-confidence is enhanced through manipulative and non-manipulative gymnastic drills." is the blurb on their web site. We'll see what she thinks. Right now she's pretty excited at the concept that there's a whole class whose main purpose is to let her jump and tumble and hang and balance. We'll see how she fares in a more organized setting (as opposed to the free-for-all at the local playground :-)). If she doesn't like it, we'll go back to soccer; try and find out which class BFF is in if he still goes. Or we'll just continue our morning saturday routine of hitting the playgrounds at 8:30am (bring a towel if you go that early. two towels if it's a big climber :-))

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The grind continues...

60 minutes yesterday on the elliptical as I enjoyed the Daily Show and Colbert Report and another 30 today, before Bobbin exploded in her room, refusing to get her jammies on.

It's been a chore though this week, forcing myself down to step on the elliptical. Harder than usual. Maybe I need to give myself a break. But a part of me actually craves the workout even while the rest of me just wants to veg on the couch and eat chocolate.

I'm still going strong on the cookie-free front. I've been pretty good about increased consumption of fruit and vegetables. By vegetables, I mean baby carrots. But that's better than nothing, right?! :-)

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A load off my chest

A week ago, I made a vague reference to an unspecified problem that had caused me to miss my workout on Tuesday. Well, I'm happy to report that the unspecified problem turned out to not be a problem at all, and with a sigh of relief I'm able to actually talk about it now.

Last Tuesday after work I drove myself to the ER to get my shortness of breath checked out, given that I'd been experiencing at that point for 3 days straight. They did a series of tests from bloodwork to an EKG to a CT scan to eliminate any possibility that I was experiencing a clot or fluids in my lungs, an enlarged heart, a collapsed lung, an irregular heart beat or any of the other medical stuff that can lead one to experience shortness of breath. All the tests came back negative for any sort of problem that would cause my shortness of breath. I have great blood pressure, I have an excellent pulse (that is in fact slightly lower than average, more than one medical professional commented to me). I have a strong and regular heart beat, and I have healthy happy lungs. The ER doctor and my therapist both think that the shortness of breath may have been anxiety related. It was a stressful week for me on many levels. And the problem appears to have resolved itself; I've not experienced it again since the ER trip which is great.

However there was something they did find that was unrelated. The CT scan detected a 14 mm nodule under my left breast and the ER doctor referred me for a diagnostic mammogram. My first ever mammogram. Because I'm still more than 2 years shy of my 40th birthday.

I was very very scared and broke down into tears in the ER when he told me. He also told me that 95% of the time this turns out to be just a normal, benign thing. As we age we get "lumpy". He said that in the very rare chance that it was not benign the fact that it was caught at such an early stage before any other symptoms presented meant that it was highly likely to be resolved by whatever appropriate treatment was required. All the same, I was worried. I got up the next morning and scheduled the mammogram. And this morning I went in to have it done.

I have to say, of all medical procedures that I've endured this was the least pleasant. I got through it only by reminding myself constantly that by doing this, I was potentially saving my life. I say with all seriousness that I would rather get a pap smear than a mammogram any day. While I enjoy neither and find both to be physically uncomfortable, for a variety of reasons, for me, getting my upper half checked is just much more emotionally and psychologically uncomfortable than getting my lower half checked. The technician who was assigned to me, however, gets my undying gratitude. I'm sure she recognized my angst by my tightly clenched arms around my chest, and my iron-fisted grip on the ends of the cape that they gave me to cover myself. And the tears rolling silently down my face as she adjusted both me and the machine to get us positioned correctly were the dead give away. But she was the utmost professional, and treated me with great gentleness, respect and dignity. She didn't comment on my tears or my posture. She didn't utter any reassurances. She didn't try to "lighten the mood" or get me to ease up. She just kindly and gently went about doing what she does and rewarded me with "great job" after each picture was taken. And before sending me back out to the room to await the radiologist's diagnosis and/or request for additional pictures she gave me a big, fluffy, full-length white bathrobe to put on over my cape and I instantly felt more relaxed and comfortable. None of the other women waiting got a robe, and they were all there as long as I was. I don't know what her name was, but I really really appreciate what she did.

I ended up getting 2 rounds of pictures (6 pictures total), the radiologist wanting a couple more after seeing the first four. But finally, after what seemed like several hours but was in reality only 1 and a half hours total including wait time, I was finished and they were ready with my results. The nodule was benign. Nothing to be concerned about. No additional tests needed. And they said they don't need to see me again until age 40.

I've been smiling and practically skipping down the halls at work all day. I'm so very grateful it wasn't more serious. I know the odds were with me - we have no history of breast cancer in our family, and I don't have any of the other factors that are associated with a higher risk of the disease, but was still so relieved to get the official diagnosis that everything was ok.

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5 years worth celebrating!

Yesterday, Saturday August 30th, as many of you are aware, was Tim and my 5 year anniversary :-) And it just keeps getting better and better every year :-). I managed to squeeze an hour walk in during Bobbin's nap, which I'm glad I did because we went to Yarrow Bay Grill and had an absolutely heavenly dinner with perfect wine and scrumptious dessert. So I'm glad I did a little extra during the day in anticipation :-)

Getting out of the house was the only downer of the evening. We had Miss B over to babysit Bobbin. Miss B is also a teacher at Bobbin's school and Bobbin really likes her. Except when she's here because Mommy and Daddy are going out without her. I don't even have the energy to replay the scenario here for you; it was too long, too emotional, too mentally and emotionally and at times physically hard. But we got out even as I was running over rocks in my silk stocking-d feet since my heels don't do well on our gravel path. Oh - yeah - worth mentioning: I wore a SKIRT and a NICE BLOUSE and even some JEWELRY on my EARS AND around my NECK. and MAKEUP.

Bobbin had her fair share of makeup on when we left too, from her beauty session with Mommy. She's convinced she needs to "keep me company" no matter what I'm doing. Most of the time I enjoy it. But there is one thing that I like to do in the bathroom alone with no audience. Actually two. And you think you know which two that is, don't you. Alas most of you would be wrong. I had long ago given up on peeing and pooping in private and much to Tim's chagrin I even find myself leaving the door open by habit for all passersby to see even when Bobbin hasn't accompanied me. What are you gonna do. But what I have not yet caved on is that Mommy gets to have Showers and Baths in private. No watching.

That set her off for quite some time. Tim had to close the gate to the back part of the house to ensure she couldn't get back there. I locked the bathroom door too just in case she figured out how to climb over. I got peace, for the most part, outside, but there was little peace inside as I stood in my shoiwer trying to calculate the minimum minutes I needed to wash and deep condition my hair, exfoliate my face and then give it a moisture mask while shaving my under arms and legs and then rinsing all the head and face gunk off, putting on loition, spraying in volume stuff, doing my makeup and trying on the 3 new bras I bought at the shopping store but not knowing which one fit me because I didn't want to try them on at the store.

I let her in after I was out of the shower and robed. And she went straight for the makeup drawer. "What's this for?" and I would tell her it's cheek blush. And she'd brush some on her cheeks and forehead. "And this?" that was eyeshadow; when she learned how it was applied she preferred instead to apply it to her temples and forehead. Lipgloss was easy - she's used it before. My little princess, Into the girly girl stuff. Well... so far only when I'm into it (which is apparently once every 6 months or so).

When we left it just plain sucked. But by 7:40pm she was eating icecream and watching nemo. If those two things were happening I had a pretty high degree of confidence that she was ok and if she wasn't ok on the inside, then she was filling her insides with things that she loves to compensate for it (ugh really need to learn how to finish a thought and move on).

When we got home she was out like a light. We had promised we'd wake her. we both gave it our best shot but she was not to be woken. She stirred a little and might have mumbled something but for the most part, immovable. unreachable. So we kissed her and hugged her and went to bed.

Completely unrelated note; just doesn't warrant its own post: With yesterdays 1 hour walk on the trail I met my goal! barely but met it. Today I started off a new week with a full 60 minutes on the elliptical watching Point Break (or is it Break Point?)... the surfer movie with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. It's a fine exercise movie. Can't imagine it's good for much else though.

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2 down; 1 to go

I managed to leave work a tad early this afternoon to fit in an hour of walking before picking up Bobbin and heading over to our Friday night festivities. There was one catch: I had forgotten to toss my running shoes in the car this morning so I ended up walking for an hour in my work shoes. There will be blisters tomorrow. But I have thick socks to get me through it. This makes for 3 30+ minute workouts and 2 60-minute workouts this week, with one more 60-minute to go, and one day left in the week: Saturday. I can do this.

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One down, two to go; and hell hath no fury like an injured preschooler

Despite all odds and the deck stacked against me I did it. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty. But it was 60 minutes.

Yesterday Bobbin fell on the concrete at school and scraped both knees bloody. It happened when Tim went to pick her up. She was in her mischevious mood - her "My teacher is about to tell you how I didn't lay quietly at nap time and was kicking the bookcase and not listening to her words so I'm gonna run away so you can't start lecturing me" mood. As she was running, she tripped and fell. That's when all hell broke loose, and it has been running rampant in our house ever since.

She refuses to let us put band aids on her to help protect and prevent anything from rubbing up against the scrape. We had to sneak in some squirts of Bactine and she screamed bloody murder the entire time; you would have thought we were torturing her, not administering loving care and pain-relieving spray. Tim and I both lost some major trust points with her for the stealth duck-and-cover bactine maneuver. There was no way we were getting a band aid on her after that. So we put her in short jammies and covered her upper body and her toes. Every time she moved though, the pain woke her up. By 11:00pm we had her in our bed between us. She slept a bit better, although woke up a couple more times in the early morning. Tim and I didn't sleep at all for fear of rolling onto her or rolling out of the bed onto the floor. I woke up this morning feeling like a meat hook was wedged between my shoulder blades and unable to turn my head to the left or lower my chin. It still feels that way now.

This morning she woke up in better spirits... until she tried moving her knees; the scabs that had formed overnight had stiffened her skin and the movement caused more pain. But once I got a pair of loose fitting, jersey knit long pants on her and she couldn't see her owies anymore, things got considerably better.

Still - I was not looking forward to another night of back wrenching semi-sleep nor was I looking forward to the hotter hell that awaited us should either or both wounds become re-opened or infected, so I formulated a plan.

The plan involved 6 different sizes and brands of "ouchless" band aids shaped especially for knees and elbows; some Johnson & Johnson foaming "no hurt" wound cleanser; a small stuffed toy lion; 4 new light-up floating bath frogs - each one a different colour; a squishy fish with bulging eyes filled with water; some new art supplies, and a Minnie Mouse Pez dispenser with 3 flavours of candy. I deposited them all in a colourful gift bag with a bow, and left it on her carseat when I went in to collect her from school. Bait had been set.

When she came out from school and I opened the door she saw the bag. I explained she could open it only after she had gotten ready for bath time and I moved the bag to the trunk. She peppered me with questions about the surprise in the bag all the way home. The bait had been taken. By 6:15 she was begging me for a bath and going potty and getting undressed without being asked.

I let her open the bag. She oohed and aahed over each item. But the Pez fascinated her. It was CANDY. And MINNIE MOUSE. She wanted one right away. But I told her she could only have the candy AFTER she had gotten into her jammies.

So we had her bath. She got a little upset as the water started to rise to her knees. I rinsed her clean and we got out of the tub. The next step was to get her underpants on and her jammie top. And then to convince her to let me put the foam on her and an ouchless band aid. The candy was to be the lure.

This is where the plan failed. 45 minutes of mind boggling, insane screaming ensued. She screamed herself hoarse and sobbed herself breathless. In the end, I let her choose between the bactine and the foam, and she went with the spray. But still refused to let me apply a band aid. We ended up getting them on her by having Tim apply the band aid while I held her on my knee holding her hands so she couldn't push him away. Do you have any idea how strong a 34 lb, 38" tall angry, thrashing, preschooler is? Then I had to get her jammie bottoms on. By this point she was quite literally hysterical. We brought out the candy. I ambushed her brain with stories of how when I was little I fell and scraped my knee so bad I cried for hours and Grandma Anne had to clean it and put a band aid on it and I was so sad and it hurt so much but then the band aid made it get better faster; and remember that time that Ella was at Zora's house and she was showing us her HUGE band aid on her elbow that was protecting her REALLY BIG scrape, and Ella's mommy had said when Ella had fallen she had cried and cried and cried so hard, just like Bobbin but the band aid made sure she wouldn't bump it and hurt it again and then it got better really fast. And then, as she was popping candy in her mouth and pondering Ella's elbow owie, I slid her jammies on, and she started screaming and punched me in the chest.

Eventually we calmed her down. Barack Obama's soaring voice of hope was washing over us as we sat in the living room, all three of us, exhausted and feeling really beat up. She was beyond tired. I stood up and carried her to bed and tucked her in with her little stuffed lion as confetti fell and fireworks flared in the Mile High stadium.

And then I went to work out.

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Exercise, interrupted

For reasons that I will get into at another time, I ended up not getting my workout in yesterday. Today's was just 45 minutes. I should have kept going tonight. Because now I have exactly 3 days left in the week and exactly 3 60 minute workouts that I need to complete in order to achieve my weekly goal. I have a conference call in 15 minutes (that's right, at 9pm). I have a hard time switching context between "work" and "family"; it's inefficient because it's not a perfect on/off switch. I prefer to get my work done in one consecutive lump sum so that I can switch to family and not have it in the back of my head that in X hours I have to switch back.

I'm not giving up yet. I do have 3 days; just enough to make my goal if I do 60 minutes each day. It may not be at the breakneck speeds and calorie-burning that last week's workouts were, but as long as I am moving for 60 consecutive minutes and elevating my heart rate even just a little bit, it still counts.

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40 minutes, and Michelle Speaks

I had fully intended to do a full hour of exercise tonight. It's the perfect opportunity. but the last two days I've been feeling kinda weird. Like when I breathe I don't get enough air into my lungs. It's really a lot like the feeling I had when I was 8-9 months pregnant and they told me it was Bobbin growing big enough now to be pushing my diaghram up into my lungs.

But when I take a breath, no matter how deep a breath, I can't get a sense of satisfaction and fullfillment that i've actually filled my entire lung capacity. It's like when you blow up a frog shaped pool and the legs at the end of the pool are the last to get filled because they're the last place the air flows into, and they're always a little squishy because you just don't want to stand there trying to force even distribution of the air through the frog so you let the feet stay a little floppy.

When I try and breathe deeply to fill my lungs I usually end up feeling like I've stopped short, and then invariably I yawn a huge wide mouthed , closed eyes, yawn (I just did one now just writing about this). It started yesterday just as I was laying down for a nap. I don't have any physical pain. I do have a dry mouth because it seems every time I want to fill my lungs or yawn I also want to swallow. It's like doing one connects to the other connects to the other.

I see my therapist on Wednesday; perhaps he has a logical explanation. Like a drug side effect.

My inability to satisfactorily fill my lungs apparently is not negatively impacting my ability to be longwinded (it's a gift) so to make a long story short I cut my exercise off after 40 minutes; shortly after Michelle Obama ended her speech.

Which I LOVED.

So on a plus note I powered through my 40 minutes on an emotional rollercoaster - I was half cheering and half crying with inspiration. Damn I wish I could vote.

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I deserve an honourable mention

I have no gold, silver or bronze to show for it but I did 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight which concluded 8 straight days of exercising and my 2nd successful week (actually, technically the start of my 3rd week) under my new weekly targets of at least 3 60 minute workouts and at least 2 30 minute workouts a week.

Sunday: 30 minutes elliptical
Monday: 60 minutes elliptical
Tuesday: 60 minutes elliptical
Wednesday: 30 minutes elliptical
Thursday: 60 minutes elliptical
Friday: 30 minutes elliptical
Saturday: 4 mile walk on the trail (= 70 minutes)
Sunday: 30 minutes elliptical.

I'm doing a bit better - not stunningly better - but a bit better at increasing my veggie & fruit intake. I am successfully downsizing the portions.

Still 2 weeks left to go before I check my weight and inches again.

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When I walk along the river...

I take a step, take a step, take another step. Thank you Laurie Berkner.

I got out of the house in the beautiful sun today and did one of my 4 mile walks on the trail. A perfect day for it if there ever was one, with a nice breeze.

At one point I passed a mom and child, each pushing themselves down the path on a scooter. The kid looked young and I had to ask how old he was. Just a month shy of his 3rd birthday was the answer. He was weaving and balancing on one foot like a pro on his scooter; impressive for anyone let alone a not-quite-3-year-old. But even more impressive were the size and definition of this kid's calves. They rivaled the calves of Lance Armstrong. I should ever have calves that are half as toned and defined. I said as much to his mom and she laughed and said that he's on the scooter every day rain or shine; she can't keep him inside, let alone off the scooter.

I'm thinking I need a scooter.

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30 minutes of Dr. Phil this evening was 30 minutes too much

It's friday. And there's no friday festivities this week, so I decided to work out this evening. I got off to a late start because the toilet in Bobbin's bathroom overflowed and that took a while for Tim and I to clean up. Bobbin thought it was great though, because it happened at precisely 7:45pm which is when we're usually sitting in the big chair reading a book in our PJs. But we were too distracted to herd her into her room to get changed and ready for bed, so she used the extra time up to tuck her animals to bed in the living room. Our living room floor looks like the overflow space for a hospital morgue; little tiny lumps under blankets littered randomly across the carpet.

I only did 30 minutes, having completed my 3 60 minute workouts earlier this week. I technically didn't need to work out at all because I've met my weekly exercise goal as of yesterday but what the heck; I am starting to feel like I need to do it, which is good.

The Dr. Phil show was the only thing on. And today it was "bikini body bootcamp" day. Just what I needed to be watching. I could have opted to turn the TV off and just listen to music but it was easier just to keep going and get it done. There was one nugget of worthwhileness in the show: the body-slimming bathing suit that was modelled. Of course the model wearing it was relatively small but I still think it looked like it might work for me. I'll have to do some research.

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Logic prevails

At 40 minutes into my workout this evening I was not into it. I was feeling fine physically. I was just unmotivated. But thankfully the logical (and lazy, self serving) part of my brain prevailed by arguing successfully to myself that if I was going to not go through with the full 60 minutes, then I should have stopped at 30 minutes. Because at this point i've invested 10 minutes more than the 30 that I won't get back, and I will still have to do 60 tomorrow or saturday to achieve my goal of 60 minutes 3x per week. So I can either a) Get through this and make my goal despite my apathy, b) stop like I want to but be on the hook for 60 minutes tomorrow, and have the extra 10 minutes I put in go to "waste" because my goals are to achieve 3 60 minute workouts and 2 30 minute workouts

Oh wait... yeah... I guess there is a c) which is instead of counting the extra 10 minutes as "wasted" I could count them as "exceeding goal" assuming I still do one more 60 minute workout as I have planned.

But that is not the way that even my logical part of my brain works (you should see the illogical part; it's a real mess).

In the end - I finished my 60 minutes. I don't like to waste things. Especially my own time and energy. So it turns out my pessimistic but logical side found the right compelling argument to give to my emotional illogical side. See - I knew what I was doing all along.

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It does count

Ah... Wednesdays. Extended Wednesdays. How I love thee... not. The Wednesday hurdle reared its ugly head again, and with it came the "it's too late to exercise" hurdle. I didn't get home until 7:30pm, which is when I would normally start getting Bobbin ready for bed. But I wasn't ready to do that; we needed time to play and cuddle and tell each other about our day. As a result, it was 8:30pm before I was able to get downstairs to exercise, and the temptation to say "well, it's too late now" was pretty great. But I did it. I decided to do just a 30 minute workout as a result of the late start, and so the "why bother?" hurdle rose as I was heading down the stairs. But I reminded myself that I was still within my new targets: 60 minutes 3 times a week and 30 minutes 2 times a week. I did 30 minutes on Sunday, 60 minutes on Monday and 60 minutes on Tuesday so I'm right on track. And, I reminded myself, 30 minutes is better than 0 minutes.

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An unexpected boost

Daily Show was another repeat. Gossip Girls thankfully is not a nightly occurrance. I was left with Dr. Phil for my hour on the elliptical. Today's topic: Moms who hate being moms. Yeehah.

The first two guests have some legitimate, serious, monumental challenges. The first were parents of a girl they adopted 6 years ago from the Ukraine. The child had emotional issues but also physical challenges - her leg was amputated and she needed a prosthetic; she had fingers missing on one hand making it hard for her to grip They adopted her and the main issue has been the Mom never felt bonded with her. It was sad to hear her talk about it, and it make me feel grateful that I've got such a strong bond with Bobbin. I love Bobbin with my entire being. I love her as much as the universe is big. And every second of every minute of every day of every year I love her more. She is my girl.

The second woman was a mother raising a severely downs syndrome and severely autistic child of 12, still in diapers at 96lbs, barely capable of communicating, and all o the other challenges that come with severe autism as well as severe downs syndrome. Her life as she saw it before her, was about taking care of an infant for the rest of her entire life and wondering what happens then. She clearly loved him, as did her husband, and the guilt and conflict was tearing her apart. I felt so helpless on her behalf. I don't know what I would do. And I am so very grateful that I don't have to know what I would do. I am blessed.

The third mother was a mother of 4 kids. In her own words, by most standards she lived a great life - great home, they had money, great jobs, etc. The kids were pretty chaotic and they kept her chasing them, and she was just exhausted. And Dr. Phil told her what many have told me - take some time out for yourself; don't feel guilty about doing it; you are a better mom when you have had time to recharge and come back joyful and reenergized, then if you're just staying in the grind day after day.

Yeah - so a bit of a rollercoaster ride I got for free with my elliptical workout but it ended on an up note in that I did really feel grateful for what I do have and I'm not a bad mom for wanting time to myself on a regular basis.

Good lord; Dr Phil actually had something useful to say. Blech. I'll be glad when the Daily Show starts broadcasting new episodes again.

I did 60 minutes. I also must admit to consuming a philly cheesesteak grinder at the work cafeteria today for lunch. I so didn't need that. I know that.

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60 Minutes

Daily Show was a repeat, and Dr. Phil was just plain depressing and annoying (he lost me after "I need to warn everyone; this is what I do. Today is not about being on TV, not about the ratings; this is real life") which came, really, as no surprise. And so I found myself working out to "The Gossip Girls". A show I have mercifully avoided ever knowing existed until today.

This from a closet adult "Bevery Hills 90210" addict. Seriously. I used to watch that show religiously on Wednesday nights. A friend, who shall remain nameless but was also partially responsible for the kitchen fire in my apartment, and I used to get together regularly and watch the show. Granted our enjoyment came mostly from criticizing the characters, plot, and everything in between. But I still watched it every Wednesday. Right up until the series finale.

Yeah, so anyway - Gossip Girls. I'm sorry, but those "kids" are supposed to be 16...17 years old, tops? Seriously? And while Beverly Hills was already pretty far cry from any reality I've ever known, Gossip Girls is just a completely different universe. Is this what kids are watching now? Is this the current, American equivalent of Degrassi Junior High? If so, we're cancelling our satellite subscription the minute we start letting Bobbin stay up past 8pm.

I remember when I started being allowed to stay up past 8pm. It was Thursday nights, and I was in fourth grade and living in Ottawa (the first time). It was the the year Buck Rogers returned to TV in an updated series staring Gil Gerard and Erin Gray (who later would be the dad's girlfriend on Silver Spoons). The year was 1979. At 7:30pm The Littlest Hobo would come on, which all 4 of us would watch. When "Hobo" was over Sarah would go to bed, and I'd get to stay up and watch Buck Rogers on the black and white TV in the living room with Mom and Dad. Every other night of the week I still had to go to bed by 8:00. But Thursdays were special.

I can't think of a single TV show these days that's on at 8pm that I'll be ok with letting Bobbin watch when she's in fourth grade except possibly whatever is on PBS or the History, Science, and Nature channels. Maybe Star Trek if it's still on then... I say this now. But I reserve the right to have a change of opinion between now and when I actually need to worry about it.

Ah - but this post was originally about exercise. Yup - 60 minutes on the elliptical as per my plan. I'll check my weight again in 4 weeks and not before. I also reset my calorie counter with my new weight; 5 lbs lighter. That was fun :-)

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Way too hot

and humid today. Bobbin and I spent most of it on the deck playing in her froggie pool. I even wore shorts for the occasion. A common occurrence 4 years ago, but rarely seen these days. This evening was spent sipping a $14 bottle of sparkling organic wine from PCC out of a champagne glass. Because why the hell not. At any rate, the 95F heat on the deck, 85F heat in the house, and humidity that felt like I was stepping into a steam sauna every time I opened a door to the outside provided a perfect opportunity to pass up exercising, but I got myself down on the treadmill at 8pm as usual and did 30 minutes while watching the Roast of Bob Saget. I hate Sunday night TV. On the plus side, the last two days off from exercising must have created some adrenaline reserves because I powered through the 30 minutes at sprint speed, and burned an extra 50 calories above and beyond my regular pace, and I felt great doing it.

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Week 5: Results are in

I have lost 1 inch around the waist and 5 lbs, since July 13th. I have to admit to mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm really happy to see the numbers change for the better. On the other, I was hoping after 5 weeks that I'd have lost at least 10 lbs. 1 lb a week seems like not a lot. I've lost up to 4 lbs in a week in past attempts. By the same token, past attempts failed miserably and I always ended up gaining the weight back. Probably because I was too aggressive and lost weight without establishing sustainable habits. So it's encouraging but at the same time, I still feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a huge mountain looking up, not able to see the top for the clouds.

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Latest aerobic musing: Has he given up on the hot dog?

Now that I'm working out for 60 minutes, I've been doing a lot more viewing of the Colbert Report. I've always liked Stephen Colbert, but just always had something else to do after the Daily Show so it slipped from my regular viewing.

In my last serious attempt to get back on the workout bandwagon before this one - back in December and January - I watched the Colbert Report pretty consistently; that's when I originally got hooked. Back then I noticed in the intro sequence, an almost subliminal graphic behind Steven that said "President Bush have a hot dog with me". It actually took me several episodes to read the full sentence, because it only barely flashes on the screen during the sequence. I always wondered what spawned that invitation. I was a newbie to the Colbert Nation then, but I still don't know the reason behind it now. However I think that I've noticed at least the last two nights, that the graphic doesn't appear in the opening sequence anymore. Either that or I'm just not paying as close attention. Sis - you're a Colbert fan - am I right about the missing hot dog invite? If so, why's he giving up now? Bush is still "president" for a few more months, officially. Anyone? Anyone out there know?

Apparently there is an online petition for getting Stephen into the white house to have a hot dog with President Bush. I came across it when searching the internets to see if I could confirm that Stephen really is asking the president to eat a hot dog with him in that intro graphic in the first place, or if I had been misreading that too :-)

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It's not a bladder problem.

Random workout contemplation as I watched tv this evening while doing my 60 minute workout.

Have you seen that Detrol commercial on tv... the one where the woman is teaching a class and keeps looking up at the clock anxiously as she waits for the bell to ring to signal the end of the school day so she can run to the bathroom and empty her bladder? And the little blue "female" symbol on the restroom door hops down off the placard and follows her into the bathroom and starts telling her about how Detrol can control that "got to go" feeling you get all the time when you have an overactive bladder. The teacher sits rapt with attention, staring into the blue circle that is the symbol's "head" as the symbol proceeds to type on the keyboard and pull the Detrol web site up on her computer.

That lady doesn't need bladder control medication. She needs to check herself in to a detox center and get off the hallucinogens.

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Umm.... EWWWW! (and an exercise update)

I woke up this morning looking and feeling like someone had implanted a golf ball in the underside of my chin. Swollen, super painful to the touch, and just generally all round uncomfortable even left alone.

I didn't think it could be mumps. A) I have had mumps already as a child and as far as I know you only get them once, and 2) it seemed an odd place for mumps. I didn't even know I had any glands directly under my chin. Because I barely made it past first year biology in University (it was required, even for computer science. The pre-med students almost did me in but I got the minimum required grade to pass and left the doctor wannabies behind to compete with each other over med school applications; I am probably making more and owing less money than most of them now, which is karma for all of those lab sheets and handouts that they would steal so there wouldn't be enough to go around for all the students, giving themselves a "competitive edge" over the rest of the class). So I made a doctor's appointment.

Apparently what I have, is an infected salivary gland. The doctor said that the salivary glands can become blocked and trap bacteria inside, causing infection. On occasion, one can have stones appear in the salivary gland. Been there and done that with my gall bladder; really not interested in repeating that experience elsewhere in my body. At any rate, my salivary glands are infected and I'm on antibiotics for the next 10 days. I have no idea what caused this.

So I did a little research and found a web site on Salivary Gland Disorders to learn more. Because I'm like that. If I had my old doctor - the one who moved to Montana - I bet I wouldn't have had to do this research; I would have come home with a beautifully drawn diagram of my salivary glands and a detailed explanation of how they can become infected. How I miss her. So it was up to me to fill in the blanks myself. Thank heavens for the internet. I found it interesting that there is an actual web site devoted to Salivary Gland Disorders. But then I realized that it's put up by a pharmaceutical company and they probably have a web site devoted to every gland, organ, muscle, and vessel in the entire body for the sole purpose of being discovered by people like me.

Still, it was informative. And I learned the following about my salivary glands:

1) The gland that is infected is likely NOT one of my two parotid glands, which can be found just behind the jaw, below and in front of the ears. It is either a sublingual gland or submandibular gland, both pairs of which lie deep in the floor of the mouth.

2) There are several disease causes of salivary gland malfunction including cancer, Parkinson's, HIV, Sjögren's syndrome (an autoimmune disorder that attacks the glands that produce tears and saliva). Interestingly enough, Depression was also listed as a disease that can cause salivary gland malfunction.

3) There are also several known drugs that can cause salivary gland malfunction including certain methyldopa, antipsychotics, diuretics, antihistamines, sedatives, and antidepressants. In the last week I've taken midol for PMS (contains a diuertic for water weight gain); tylenol sinus for my bitch of a head cold (contains an antihistamine), Ambien for sleeping, and my daily happy pill.

4) A common symptom of salivary gland malfunction is a reduction in production of saliva, resulting in dry mouth. This, I do NOT have. My saliva production is as good as ever, in case you were wondering. However salivary gland swelling, which I do have, can occur when one of the ducts from the gland to the mouth is blocked. The most common cause of blockage is a stone. Stones can form from salts contained in the saliva. Apparently if the swelling is caused by a blocked duct when you eat a pickle it will cause it to worsen because a sour taste stimulates saliva flow but the saliva has no place to go due to the blocked duct. I hate pickles so I'm not going to try this out. Swelling can also be caused by cancerous or noncancerous tumors.

But the best part by far of the research is the diagnosis and treatment. This is really lovely.

"There are no good quantitative tests to diagnose salivary gland malfunction. However, the salivary glands can be squeezed ('milked') and the ducts observed for saliva flow.

"If a salivary duct is blocked by a stone, a dentist can sometimes push the stone out by pressing on both sides of the duct. If that fails, a fine-wire-like instrument can be used to pull out the stone. As a last resort, the stone can be removed surgically."

Anyway, here's hoping it's just a bacterial infection, because I really don't need anyone milking my salivary glands, popping stones out of my mouth, or sticking "fine-wire-like instruments" under my tongue.

On the exercise front - since I'm filing this one under "Health and Exercise" anyway - I did 45 minutes on the elliptical. Not bad for someone with a swollen salivary gland, huh.

2 in a row and time for new goals

Another 60 minute workout this evening, making for two in a row. As I begin week 5 of my quest for fitness, I decided it was time to set new goals.

My original goals were to

1) work out for 30 minutes 5 days a week
2) give up chocolate chip cookies and cut down on unhealthy snacking in general
3) quit the hot chocolate, bagel and cream cheese morning routine in favour of a healthier breakfast routine

for 4 weeks in a row.

I had no weight loss goal; no target for inches lost for the 4 weeks. In fact, I pledged to not step on a scale for the entire 4 weeks. I ended up getting my period last week so I decided to extend the "no scale" rule by another week just to ensure positive results when I finally do look at the numbers.

I'm proud to say, I've met all 3 goals. I've worked out for at least 30 minutes for at least 5 days a week for 4 weeks straight. I've touched nary a cookie and have cut way back on bad snack foods in general. I still go to Starbucks each morning but have replaced the hot chocolate, bagel, and cream cheese with a non-fat banana chocolate "vivano" (i.e., overpriced smoothie). There's just something I like about stopping at Starbucks after dropping Bobbin off at school and before I head in to work. I wanted to keep that part of the routine because it makes me happy. But I make a better, healthier purchase in the process.

I've decided therefore, to celebrate my 4 week accomplishments by setting some new goals. For the next 4 weeks I will

1) work out for 60 minutes for at least 3 of my 5 weekly workouts
2) eat more appropriate portion sizes at dinner each day
3) eat more fruit or vegetables at dinner time each day and less of the other stuff.

I'm not going to necessarily change my lunch or dinner menus. That would require some forethought, which in turn requires time and a dash of creativity and I find myself lacking in both department these days. But I can cut back on the portion sizes, and increase my intake of fruits and veggies by following the Bobbin formula - which is if it's a fruit or a veggie and it tastes great raw and by itself I will eat it happily. Strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, grapes, baby carrots, melon, cherry tomatoes. All goodness. I'm not a huge salad fan. Correction; I'll eat salad as long as someone else prepares it. I don't know why. I don't really enjoy it unless someone else prepared it fresh (and cleaned up afterwards). I'm also not a big cooked veggie fan; corn on the cob excepted. But if I can just pick it up and chow down on it without any intermediate steps, I'm there.

So, you lucky people - you get to start hearing about the FOOD I CONSUME on a daily basis now too for the next four weeks in addition to my daily workout report. Woohoo. Exciting stuff. Settle down now. I know it's a lot to anticipate.

In all seriousness, although very few people actually read this blog there's a psychological boost I get by setting my fitness goals publically and reporting on them here in my little corner of the Internets. It keeps me honest, I guess. I feel more accountable. And it also makes it harder to cave cause I feel like there are more people to answer to than just myself. I know that's all just in my head; I do realize most of you would just shrug and move on but I like to pretend that you'd ask what gives if I failed to meet my goal one week and that you're less likely than I am to believe my "poor me" stories of self pity, stress, and lack of time as reasons for not hitting my goals. It's amazing how much crap I dish out to myself in the form of these excuses and even more so how much of it I actually accept and buy into. Especially when you consider that in my work life, I'm one of the most reliable, accountable, least likely to bull-shit-you people you will ever meet. I haven't figured that out yet either. Maybe my therapist will.

So here's to the last 4 weeks and the start of the next 4. I'm going to weigh myself next weekend too, and take a waist measurement. I'm trying to set low expectations for myself so that I don't get discouraged when I see the teeny tiny results after 5 weeks of huge effort. I didn't get here overnight; I won't get back overnight either.

And my three secret inspirations that help motivate me forward, in addition to the daily reports on this blog, are

1) a picture of me crossing the finish line at my first and only marathon. I RAN the entire frickin' way.
2) a picture of me in my wedding dress. A size 6 designer gown. Sigh.
3) a picture in my head of Bobbin, in her teen years, bright and confident, with a strong self esteem, a healthy relationship with food, and a healthy enjoyment for physical activity.

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R